trolley wood.

"out one day, walking one day. out one day with you, hallelujah. we found a wood with trolleys on wheels rolling all around the hills, hallelujah. and just as soon, it had slipped into the sleepy dusk and it's not very likely that we'll see it, we'll see it again. out one day, walking one day. out one day with you, hallelujah. we found a wood, we un-found a wood and then we cried, "oh no". and please tell me will we ever find it again? in the depths of trolley wood do trolleys still drive? gone for the day to the trolley wood; i've gone for the day to the trolley wood. the trolley wood is taking me away. out one day with you, hallelujah. we found a wood, we un-found a wood and then we cried, "oh no". and please tell me will we ever find it again? in the depths of trolley wood do trolleys still drive? out one day, walking one day. out one day with you, hallelujah..."

p.s.
happy easter, my friends.

self exploration.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

missing pieces.

hello, my name is ___________ and i can’t live without __________. my hero is __________. if i had one wish, i would wish for ____________. i can tell you what it feel like to be ___________. if the last thing i saw before i died was ____________, i would die a happy person. sometimes i hate it when a person ___________ without caring. if ___________ were not an issue, my world would be a better place. sixteen years of living and i have yet to find the perfect _____________. i wish i could make you __________. sometimes, i feel as if ___________ is my only escape. why can’t i be more___________? i think people should care less about ______________ and more about ____________. ______________ is the way to my heart. i strive for _______________, but i don’t expect it. i’ve learned that ____________ comes from the most unexpected places. ____________ is my favorite person. i am devoted to ____________ although it may not seem like it. sometimes, it’s hard for me to ______________. if there was one person i’d want to meet, it’d be ______________. if i could describe my best friend in one word, i would use the word ____________. my biggest pet peeve is ___________. my biggest fear is ____________ and that will never change. i think that __________ is the best characteristic someone can have. the best feeling in the world is knowing that ____________. if i told you ____________, what would you say? i apologize for being so _________, but i can’t help it. i think that ___________ is the best way to vent. i wouldn’t trade my ___________ for anything. if you think you’ve _____________, think again :)

(sorry, no word bank. yeah, use your imagination...)

st. patrick's day.

"here comes a cold. break out the winter clothes and find a love to call your own. you - enter you. your cheeks a shade of pink and the rest of you in powder blue. who knows what will be, but i'll make you this guarantee. no way november will see our goodbye. when it comes to december it's obvious why no one wants to be alone at Christmas time. in the dark, on the phone you tell me the names of your brothers and your favorite colors. i'm learning you. and when it snows again, we'll take a walk outside and search the sky like children do. i'll say to you...no way november will see our goodbye. when it comes to december it's obvious why no one wants to be alone at Christmas time. and come january we're frozen inside, making new resolutions a hundred times. february, won't you be my valentine? and we'll both be safe 'til st. patrick's day. we should take a ride tonight around the town and look around at all the beautiful houses. something in the way that blue lights on a black night can make you feel more. everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be just like you and me. no one wants to be alone at Christmas time. come january we're frozen inside, making new resolutions a hundred times. february, won't you be my valentine? and if our always is all that we gave and we someday take that away, i'll be alright if it was just 'til st. patrick's day..."

(a song entitled 'st. patrick's day' on april fool's day...i know, right?)

emotions.

aching. that was what she felt throughout the entire funeral. she was unstable both physically and emotionally. on the outside, her leg wouldn’t stop shaking. her face literally hurt from rubbing her cheeks so much to wipe away the tears. her stomach was in knots and she felt sick. on the inside: heartache. she felt like curling up in a corner and crying there the rest of the day. how could it be possible that someone would have to endure this kind of pain in real life? she thought to herself. and knowing that it was a mock funeral didn‘t make it any better, but in fact made it worse in a way. because if it were a real funeral for someone she was actually close to, how would she be able to survive that kind of torture?

choking. as the ceremony progressed and the thoughts in her mind worsened, the tears poured down endlessly. her choked sobs hurt. literally. they hurt. and the stream of tears continued as she thought about each and every one of her friends and family and how she would be affected if they were no longer there. that’s what got her the most. she related everything to herself and it was all downhill from there. it scared her to think that life was fragile enough to take her loved ones from her in the blink of an eye...

coping. the funeral was over, but the tears weren't. it was possible that they might have gotten worse once she stood up. she needed someone. she looked around and went straight to a person she knew could make her feel better without any words. she walked to her row and stood there crying, waiting for her to reach her. once she got to her, she took her in her arms and cried harder than she had during the funeral. thoughts, once again, ran through her mind. what if tomorrow the very friend she held in her arms was gone? what if that was the last time she got to hug her and let her know how much she meant to her?

it's hard living with "what if's"; nothing is ever certain. things take you by surprise and you never know what will happen. you never know when goodbye really means goodbye, you never know how someone feels about you until they tell you, you never know how the decisions you make will affect others until it happens, and you never know the exact moment your life is going to end.

yes, take chances in your lives, but don't risk losing it all because of something you didn't think through. because there are few things in life that are worth risking it all for, and being able to go to a party so you can drink isn't one of those things. show some dignity and think about your actions. really think.

wise up.

the assembly didn’t have much of an effect on her. in all honesty, she was a bit bored with it. she had actually prepared herself beforehand for tears because she thought the assembly might provoke them. but it didn’t. the tears didn’t come until after the assembly...

they slowly proceeded into their cluster class and walked into a room full of deafening silence. no one said a word; no one really knew any words to say. she had been staring off into space for a few minutes, then looked up to where her teacher was. she was surprised at what she saw. her teacher was crying. the teacher began to speak to them, voice quivering, trying to keep the composure everyone knew so well. she had never seen her teacher cry before and it was all strange to her. the teacher was telling them her own stories she knew about drinking and driving. one of them was about one of her students dying in an alcohol-related car accident because the person driving the car fell asleep at the wheel and all of the people in the car being drunk. the car blew up when it ran into a tree. but how could this affect her? she hadn’t even know these people…

but to put herself in someone else’s shoes was a completely different story. what if she had been a friend to one of the 2 people that had died in that car explosion? what if that was her sister? what if that was her daughter? that’s what got her. she closed her eyes and thoughts of losing her best friend in some kind of accident like that flew into her mind. from then on the tears wouldn’t stop. then other thoughts came into her mind. how could she go on living if one second her sister was there and then the next...gone? would there even be a reason to go on living? the tears hurt. they really, really hurt.

30 minutes. that’s how long she sat there crying. and when she looked back on it, do you know what she thought? she thought about how in that 30 minutes, two more people had died from an alcohol-related car accident. Every 15 minutes. Can you hear that bell in your heads?

(athena: and just think, today was only the accident. tomorrow is the actual funeral. i’m expecting a major breakdown on my part...)

undeniable.

"it's undeniable how brilliant you are. in an unreliable world you shine like a star. it's unforgettable now that we've come this far. it's unmistakable that you're undeniable..." - mat kearney

we could be heroes...

last minute plans.

on the right is tin & on the left is a-tin. they're friends. they like to bowl together. like they did today. even though tin gives a-tin free strikes unintentionally. that's what friends do. tin makes a-tin eat too much when she's around her. she makes funny faces in her ice cream and gives inappropriate magazines to little girls to read. hahaha. just keeding. and i think i went deaf. thanks a lot justin timberlake...

...yeah that pretty much sums up my day. thank you for saving me from my homework, christina. i think my eyes would have fallen out sooner or later from all that staring.

again.

"like the sound of silence calling, i hear your voice and suddenly i'm falling, lost in a dream. like the echoes of our souls are meeting, you say those words, my heart stops beating. i wonder what it means. what could it be that comes over me? at times i can't move. at times i can hardly breathe. when you say you love me the world goes still, so still inside. and when you say you love me, for a moment there's no one else alive. you're the one i've always thought of. i don't know how, but i feel sheltered in your love. you're where i belong. and when you're with me, if i close my eyes, there are times i swear i feel like i can fly. for a moment in time, somewhere between the heavens and earth i'm frozen in time. oh, when you say those words. when you say you love me the world goes still, so still inside. and when you say you love me, for a moment there's no one else alive. and this journey that we're on, how far we've come. and i celebrate every moment. and when you say you love me, that's all you have to say. i'll always feel this way. when you say you love me, the world goes still, so still inside. and when you say you love me, in that moment i know why i'm alive. when you say you love me. when you say you love me, do you know how i love you?"

(athena: once again, josh groban has become my current infatuation...)

cramming.

the person that said cramming is no use at all knew nothing about anything. seriously, 45 minutes before the quiz, athena had a major cram session with priya and the quiz turned out amazingly easy. and over half the time we were cramming, we were cracking up like crazy. i'm talking side-splitting, tear jerking, hysterical laughter. i don't remember the last time i laughed that hard. priya chakrabarti, you made my day. i think we're geniuses.

ouch.

it's like a papercut, but deeper. literally. and yes, i care that much to blog about it.

so contagious.

"oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected. and i can tell that i've been moving in so slow. don't let it throw you off too far cause i'll be running right behind you. could this be out of line? to say you're the only one breaking me down like this? you're the only one i would take a shot on. keep me hanging on so contagiously. oh, when i'm around you i'm predictable. cause i believe in loving you at first sight. i know it's crazy but i'm hoping to, to take a hold of you. could this be out of line? to say you're the only one breaking me down like this? you're the only one i would take a shot on. keep me hanging on so contagiously. oh, you're everything i'm wanting. come to think of it, i'm aching. on account of my transgression, will you welcome this confession? could this be out of line? to say you're the only one breaking me down like this? you're the only one i would take a shot on. keep me hanging on so contagiously..."

(sometimes, it's easier to blog lyrics when you can't think of your own words to say...)

oh, sanity.

it's funny what a simple phone conversation can do for her. she's found that it's the little things that keep her sane in this crazy world. without someone to talk to tonight, she probably would have lost her mind while she stared at the mountain of homework she had yet to climb. so she thanks you many times. even if your phone call did wake her up from her nap.

sweeet :)

how can you not smile after watching this commercial?

there's hope.

"back when i had a little, i thought that i needed a lot. a little was overrated, but a lot was a little too complicated. you see, zero didn't satisfy me. a million didn't make me happy. that's when i learned a lesson; that it's all about your perception. hey, are you a pauper or a superstar? so you act, so you feel, so you are. it ain't about the size of your car. it's about the size of the faith in your heart. there's hope. it doesn't cost a thing to smile. you don't have to pay to laugh. you better thank God for that. off in the back country of brazil, i met a young brother that made me feel that i could accomplish anything. you see, just like me he wanted to sing. he had no windows and no doors. he lived a simple life and was extremely poor. on top of all of that he had no eye sight, but that didn't keep him from seein' the light. he said, 'what's it like in the USA?' and all i did was complain. he said 'living here is paradise.' he taught me paradise is in your mind. you know that there's hope. it doesn't cost a thing to smile. you don't have to pay to laugh. you better thank God for that. every time i turn on the t.v., somebody's acting crazy. if you let it, it will drive you crazy. but i'm takin' back my power today. gas prices, they just keep on rising. the government, they keep on lying. but we gotta keep on surviving. keep living our truth and do the best we can do. there's hope. it doesn't cost a thing to smile. you don't have to pay to laugh. you better thank God for that. stand up for your rights. keep shining your light. and show the world your smile..."

"normal".

"do you realize you're not normal?" - mr. ontiveros

two words: define normal. and speaking of which, who gets to define normal, anyway? the jocks? the teachers? our parents? the president? How about none of the above. you see, the thing about it is, is that the “usual standards” as to what normal really is, isn’t so standard everywhere else. in beverly hills, normal would be considered the person with the seven bedroom mansion who rolls down the street in a silver mercedes. at oxford, normal would be defined simply into late nights, study freaks, hard workers, and perfectionists. at least to the people on the outside. to me, defining the word normal would go under the category of attempting the impossible.

case-in-point? it all depends on where you’re standing. to us, oxford has no norm. some see it as rebellion central, filled with hundreds of kids out of dress code each and every day avoiding the teachers well-known for giving out dress code violations. others on the other hand really do see it as the nerd school. and in respect to the other schools, we don’t fit under normal.

but if normal means i have to wear huge logos plastered on my shirts, do my hair a certain way, or act like someone i’m not, than i think i’d rather be considered out-of-the-ordinary. but if normal means laughing uncontrollably until people look at you like your insane, running at the beach just because you like the feel of sand between your toes, or dancing like no one is watching to your favorite song, then i’m just as normal as the next guy.

but as far as i’m concerned, being normal is overrated.

cheesy moral of this blog? be yourself, my friends. cause i wouldn’t want you any other way.

junk?

and as she sorted through her belongings in her room, clearing out things in order to make space for her new bookshelves, she stumbled upon little things that brought her back to different times, places, and memories that had been stashed away for so long. a plastic bracelet she had gotten from her neighborhood best friend when she was ten. a watch she had begged her parents to get her that she quickly lost interest in. a spelling test paper from the 4th grade that she got 100% on. and other seemingly meaningless objects to a stranger on the street.

but although these things would be of no use to her now (seeing as the bracelet doesn't fit her anymore, the watch doesn't work, and her spelling skills have greatly exceeded those of a fourth grader), she can't bear to throw anything out. she has a closet shelf full of old elementary school work that she has no point in keeping, but she does anyway. her mother questions why she can't throw away those papers, but she can't explain it. she needs it, but at the same time she doesn't. haven't you ever had things you couldn't part with before simply because you felt you would regret discarding it later? even after her neighborhood friend moved away, there may come a day when a surprise visit appears and her friend wonders where that bracelet is, hoping she still has it. and although those chances are just about slim to none, she keeps it anyway because of the memories it holds. which basically applies to every other object she hoards for "absolutely no reason".

and some people would call the things she keeps stashed up in her closet and under her bed junk. but shes like to think of it more as a collection of important times. well, important to her at least. and she may not even give these objects a second glance until the next time she rearranges her room, but nevertheless, they mean something to her. and in her book, that's the best reason she could give as to why she keeps all of this "junk".

after effects.

after spending an entire afternoon in the park, i've realized that parks have this strange effect on me. not the "i can't stop taking pictures at parks because they're so unbelievably pretty" kind of effect. although, that does tend to happen every single time. i mean the kind of effect where something comes over me and i care about absolutely nothing else except getting my turn to hang upside down on the monkey bars or sliding down the slide. i watch the little kids playing in the sand and remember why i loved recess so much. i hear the sound of the ice cream truck as it passes by playing those annoying little tunes that always seem to stick in your head even after the truck is blocks away. and as that song rings through the ears of the little kids, i watch them jump off the swings or climb off the bars and chase after the huge ice cream cone mounted on top of the truck.

and after this afternoon in the park, i've also realized that i've suddenly been fascinated at the fact that i miss being a little kid so much. i haven't the slightest idea as to why this sudden fascination has appeared, but it's making me regret wishing that i could be older when i was younger. but the good thing about it is that i've learned to take things one day at a time. besides, i've found that the best things in life are worth waiting for.

congrats, minh.

you deserve every penny of that $300. you're unbelievable, my friend.

life is wonderful.

it takes a crane to build a crane. it takes two floors to make a story. it takes an egg to make a hen. it takes a hen to make an egg. there is no end to what i'm saying.

it takes a thought to make a word. and it takes some words to make an action. and it takes some work to make it work. it takes some good to make it hurt. it takes some bad for satisfaction.

ah la la la la la la life is wonderful. ah la la la la la la life goes full circle. ah la la la la life is wonderful. ah la la la la...

it takes a night to make it dawn. and it takes a day to make you yawn, brother. and it takes some old to make you young. it takes some cold to know the sun. it takes the one to have the other.

...and it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is. and it takes some fears to make you trust. it takes those tears to make it rust. it takes the dust to have it polished.

ah la la la la la la life is wonderful. ah la la la la la la life goes full circle. ah la la la la la la life is wonderful. ah la la la la...

it takes some silence to make sound. and it takes a loss before you found it. and it takes a road to go nowhere. it takes a toll to make you care. it takes a hole to make a mountain.

ah la la la la la life is wonderful. ah la la la la la life goes full circle. ah la la la la la life is wonderful. ah la la la la la life is meaningful. ah la la la la la life is wonderful. ah la la la la la...

shoe size.

(yes, we're sixteen.)

every now and then, we find ourselves complaining about the trials and tribulations of being a teenager. the stress, the drama, the pimples. and when we look back on our lives, we realize we never had to worry about these nonsensical issues when we were little. now it's hard to imagine a day where we finish our homework early enough to play outside with the neighborhood kids with the sun still shining brightly. we didn't care about the way we dressed, we didn't care about the cutest boy in school, we didn't care about the tiny little pimple that would suddenly appear on school picture day, we didn't care about getting dirty, and we most certainly did not care about homework.

day after day, i wish things would be the way they used to be when i was six. the way i could be as carefree as ever without a worry in the world. i miss the days i used to play on the monkey bars or in the sand box compiling large amounts of sand and calling the masterpiece a sandcastle. i watch the younger neighborhood kids ride on their scooters as they play cops and robbers and envy their freedom. i have become a stranger to my own neighborhood because of the continuous hours i spend locked inside, away from the fresh air.

but every now and then, i experience those days that i get to feel like a little kid again. i get my nap time when i need it, a snack from my mom when i come home, and a piggy back ride from my dad. i get those moments when i randomly start singing "the wheels on the bus go round and round..." and i run around in circles for no reason. i have those days when people tell me i'm cute and other days when i act like a four year old cause i'm so hyper. and for some reason, whenever i eat a lollipop, i feel like a little kid. i don't know why exactly, but i like lollipops :)

so i say everyone should just care a little less. but i mean a little less about the things that shouldn't matter that much. for once, we should take a chance to look up to the younger kids. why? because we all can learn something from anyone. no matter if they're taller, shorter, younger, older, or anything else. and if there's one thing that a little kid could teach us, it'd be to take at least one day to act your shoe size.

favorites.

long conversations. chocolate chip cookies. smiles from across the room. hugs from behind. being hyper for no reason. cheesy surprises. self-satisfaction. sleeping early. sleeping in. no homework. acting crazy with friends. food. cute babies. laughter. listening to the rain while lying in bed. marshmallows. john mayer. mangoes. long e-mails. Christmas. summer vacation. daisies. pictures that remind you of good memories. my camera. day dreaming. inside jokes. being loved by the one you love. family. chick-flick marathons. watching a sunset. ranch. john legend. accidentally hearing someone say something nice about you. looking at the clock and seeing you still have an hour more to sleep. jason mraz. knowing you've done the right thing. random letters that make you smile. finishing homework early. reaching your goals. pie. splurging. finding money in your pocket that you didn't know was there. rambling. the color yellow. water. freedom. fresh air. amazement. the sound of waterfalls. attempting the impossible. thinking about a certain someone. wishing on everything. being barefoot. doodling. running in circles. eating ice cream on a hot summer day. knowing somebody misses you. baking. listening to music in the park. running in the rain. unplanned sleepovers. funny faces. making new friends and spending time with old ones. not caring about what other people think. weekends. making your parents proud of you. being so indecisive that you just end up buying both things. having someone to run to when your world comes crashing down. fun people. cartwheels. elephants. stuffed animals. catchy jingles. corny jokes. aimless wandering. wrapping presents. hearing my favorite song on the radio. &you :)

let's grow old together.

the old man walked into the room cautiously and quietly making sure he was not seen or heard. the bouquet of roses in his hands stood still waiting to be delivered to the one person he believed deserved them the most. i watched as he crept to the wall and hid behind it so that she would have no idea of the surprise awaiting her. then, as cautiously and quietly as he had walked into the building, he walked into the next room and gave the bouquet of roses to his wife. it was one of the cutest and most meaningful thing i had seen done on valentine's day in the longest time. and i only wish i could have someone do that for me one day...

after seeing that, i thought it was amazing at how long those two people had been in love with each other. and i found it even more amazing at the fact that throughout their time together, the love they had for each other never weakened, but only got stronger day after day. i've always wanted someone to grow old with. someone who will love me until the day i die and every day afterwards. someone who knows me inside and out, my flaws and imperfections, my weaknesses and strengths, and will stand up for me no matter what. someone who knows my life story and could recite it as if it were their own. and when i'm growing old and losing my memory, i want someone who will take walks with me hand in hand in the park reminding me of all the memorable times we shared together in our lifetime.

more than anything, i just want to be with that someone who will give me the security of knowing he will never leave my side. when he promises me forever, i want him to mean it. regrets don't exist with him because he makes me realize how amazing life is with him. in sixty years, i want to be with this mr. wonderful. and i want him to surprise me with a dozen roses just like we were teenagers again. but more importantly, i want to know he wouldn't want anything more than to be stuck with me for another eternity.

happy valentine's day, everyone.

astounding.

this i promise you.

"when the visions around you bring tears to your eyes and all that surround you are secrets and lies, i'll be your strength, i'll give you hope, keeping your faith when it's gone. the one you should call was standing here all along...and i will take you in my arms and hold you right where you belong. till the day my life is through this I promise you. i've loved you forever in lifetimes before and i promise you, never will you hurt anymore. i give you my word. i give you my heart. this is a battle we've won and with this vow, forever has now begun. just close your eyes. each loving day i know this feeling won't go away. till the day my life is through this I promise you..."

the many faces of athena.

my angry/death glare face.

my not-so-interested face.

my happily dazed face.

my 'ew' face.

my lost face.

my depressed face.

no idea what the heck this face is.

my freakishly happy face.

my evil scientist face.

my hippo face.

and then we end with the side of my face. hooray!

this presentation was brought to you by christina magalona's boredom & powered by my inability to sleep at 1:00 in the morning...

silence.

when you're sitting alone in your room feeling down and out, the silence that surrounds you can start to feel utterly unbearable. you wish for someone to come along so you can hear their words of comfort, but at the same time don't want to be around anyone at all. and yet, when you have that same feeling of sadness come over you while your sitting against the wall of the gym with a friend, the silence doesn't seem so unbearable anymore. you don't wish for a friend to come and help you because you already have one there. but it's different when they're actually there. you don't wish for those words of comfort you had wanted ever so badly before. but, in fact, you find the comfort in the silence that you had wished to disappear when you were all by your lonesome...

nothing was said between them and nothing needed to be said. just a silent stream of tears and the warmth of a friend. it was just two friends sitting against a wall amidst the hustle and bustle of the rest of the students that didn't seem to have a care in the world. and although their surroundings were loud, the silence seemed to be even louder. but it was a comforting kind of silence. the kind of silence that shouts understanding and sympathy. it was the best sound i had heard all day.

charlie.

"nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." -charlie chaplin

lemonade.

"he’s my sunshine in the rain. my tylenol when in pain. let me tell you what he means to me. like a tall glass of lemonade when it’s burnin’ hot on summer days, he’s exactly what i need. he’s soothing like the ocean rushing on the sand. and he takes care of me and helps me be a better woman. he’s so beautiful, sometimes i stop to close my eyes. he’s exactly what i need. he’s my smile when i’m feelin’ blue, my good night sleep when the day is through. let me tell you what he means to me. he’s kinda like this...kinda like the feelin’ after your first kiss, except that everyday he makes me feel like this. he’s exactly what i need..."

pain-relief.

i waited for what seemed like an eternity for this school day to end. and now that it’s finally over and i’m at home in the comfort of my room, i realize why i wanted it to be over so quickly. feet were sore, calves were hurting, sickness induced headaches were fought, sleep was lacking, things were lost, and work just couldn’t be attempted at those desks. those were minor details of the day and they were all about me. but the major reason i wanted today to end so badly? it’s because i couldn’t stand being somewhere that made him cry like that. someplace that made him hurt like that. and without me knowing what to do made everything that much worse...

her day started out okay. nothing out of the ordinary. she knew she would have to run a mile that morning and it wasn’t something she was looking forward to. she was tired, her feet were sore, and it was too cold for anyone to be doing anything. clifton yelled for them to go, the timers started and all zero period sophomores began their 4 laps around the track. she didn’t want to do this. she was sick. tired. sore. but she went on. and this time, it was different. this time, she never stopped. not a single step did she walk. she just kept running. she doesn’t really have a reason as to why she kept going, but she did. she couldn’t let herself stop. maybe it was because she needed to prove to herself that she had at least some self-control left in her. because everything else she did seemed to prove her wrong. and when that was over, she figured the rest of her day would be smooth sailing. but, oh, how the winds turned on her...

lunch began and she walked to her locker as usual. she saw him there and there was something different about him. she couldn’t quite tell if something was wrong or not, but as soon as he wrapped his arms around her, she knew something wasn’t right. she held him for as long as she could and then let go, knowing they needed to go and talk. and as they walked past their usual lunch spot and out towards the back half of the school, she waited patiently until he told her what was wrong. then, his words suddenly started to piece together as they came out. and as he said those words with a quivering voice, tears ran down his face like she had never seen before. she looked at him as he told her everything and could feel nothing but pain because, for once, she didn’t know what to do. she didn’t know how to help him. she, herself, felt helpless. they kept walking, and then something happened. as he continued to pour all his feelings out to her, she looked over at him. and for the first time, it hurt to look into his eyes. they were filled with too much sorrow, too much pain, and too much disappointment and she couldn’t stand it. the tears seemed to fall forever and all she wanted to do at that very moment was to have the power to make them stop running down his face. she fumbled with the pink papers she held in her hand and listened to the sound of his voice filled with that same hurt and disappointment.

the seconds ticked away as they walked around the portables, and she felt as if she were useless. she had never felt this way around him before, but that feeling was all she could think about. useless, athena. what was she doing? she believed there was nothing she could do for him to make those tears disappear. but all she wanted was for those tears to evaporate and never be able to see living daylight again...

as they headed back into the center of the school with the rest of the students chattering happily with their friends, she felt as if she were somewhere else. off in another world where the only things that mattered was him. it hurt too much to see him like this and she wanted to make it all better. just for him. but seeing as she knew she couldn’t do it so quickly, the best kind of medicine she could give him were her hugs. temporary pain-relief.

your eyes.

"your eyes, as we said our goodbyes, can't get them out of my mind. and i find i can't hide from your eyes, the ones that took me by surprise the night you came into my life. where there's moonlight i see your eyes. how'd i let you slip away when i'm longing so to hold you? now i'd die for one more day cause there's something i should have told you. yes, there's something i should have told you when i looked into your eyes. why does distance make us wise? you were the song all along and before this song dies i should tell you, i should tell you, i have always loved you. you can see it in my eyes..."

cured.

and as she walked onto campus at 2:45 for the first time that day, she had a different feeling come over her than she usually did when she came to school. this time, she didn't have to dread the day that lay ahead of her filled with work, lectures, and tests. it was different this time. and she liked it. a lot.

the bell rang as she stepped onto school grounds and she saw the flocks of students rush out of classrooms out into the freedom of the rest of the afternoon. she, of course, knew how they felt. how they just wanted to leave all that work behind them and have some actual fun. how they could really care less about molecules, logarithms, and parallel structure. and how they just needed to escape from the endless droning of teachers that they had to endure day after day. she was glad she finally got her day of rest and relaxation. it was desperately needed.

but it was the first day of her sophomore year that she failed to attend. why? because she felt it was all too much. and the fact that she was sore from her sickness completely crushed her will to get up in the morning. she stayed in bed for what seemed like days, but yet it was nice knowing she finally didn't have to worry about anything for a day. one day. that was all she needed to get away from everything. and that's exactly what she got.

yet, even though she was able to get away from the unsurmountable pile of work that was forced onto her, that meant she had to get away from the good things that came with going to school as well. friends, in particular, are what she missed. but more like what she needed. when she's down, friends are one of the few things that can make her feel better. she went to school not only to get stuff from her locker and teachers, but to see her friends, too. she needed some laughter brought into her system and her friends have yet to fail in bringing her such laughter.

and now, she is no longer sick. a day off, being able to see her friends, hugs from everyone that missed her that day, and a darn good piece of apple pie has cured her of all soreness, sickness, and grumpiness. thank you to all who have made her feel needed because they couldn't stand a school day without seeing her. she gives you many thank yous.

at this very moment.

right now somebody is thinking of you. right now somebody is caring about you. right now somebody misses you. right now somebody wants to talk to you. right now somebody wants to be with you. right now somebody hopes that you are safe. right now somebody is thankful for your support. right now somebody hopes that everything will turn out all right. right now somebody wants to hug you. right now somebody wants you to be happy. right now somebody wants you to find her. right now somebody is celeberating your successes. right now somebody wants to give you a gift. right now somebody thinks you are a gift. right now somebody loves you. right now somebody admires you. right now somebody is smiling because of you. right now somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on. right now somebody hopes that you know that somebody is her...

nonsense.

has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, you complain too much? too much worry and stress put into things that won’t even matter when you look at the big picture. i’ve realized that lately i, myself, have been complaining too much about utter nonsense. did my parents not teach me that when life gets you down you don’t complain or whine, but you do something about it? oh, but they did. this is too hard. ask for help. there are too many people here. go somewhere else. i have a humongous headache. go lie down. my grades are despicable. try harder. i mean, is it really that hard to take care of yourself?

…but maybe that’s just it. we’ve come to rely on other people to bring us joy, happiness, comfort, security, and so many other things that we’ve completely disowned our own capability of doing those things for ourselves. we sit around moping all day hoping someone out there will come in, take the reins, and turn our horrible day into something so much better. for once, don’t wait for someone to make you happy. do something for yourself and have the satisfaction of knowing you did something worthwhile instead of just complaining about it all day.

if you think about it, you’re bad mood could possibly affect other people’s moods. when you’re sad, you can make someone else sad because they hate seeing you so depressed. when you’re happy, you could light up an entire room. when you’re scared, you could make someone else build up their courage and put their brave face on so they can do all they can to protect you. and if you’re sitting there thinking that there’s no chance on mars that you could actually have that type of power over someone, think again. you’re actions can have more power to alter situations more than you think they can. someone out there loves you enough to be affected by the simple expression on your face. don’t be intimidated by this ability though. don’t worry, be happy. that’s all you have to do.

and you call this nonsense? well go ahead and be depressed. but just remember, there are people in this world who have things that are actually worth complaining about.

breaking point.

as she sat in her room, working diligently on her english homework, it finally hit her. and hit her hard. this was it; her breaking point. she couldn’t stand it anymore. day in and day out, night after night, hour after endless hour, she tried. she tried until she couldn’t possibly try anymore. what was she doing? what was she thinking? was this to prove something to herself? prove something to someone else? why? just why was she doing this to herself? she couldn’t stand it anymore. so much work was being done, but nothing she did would bring her enough self-satisfaction. it was all too much. just too much. the business project stressed her out even though her group was doing amazingly. but, again, it was just too much. but that project was not the reason she reached her breaking point. no, there was much more. 9:30. does that time seem familiar? it did to her. and yet now, it seemed as if those 9:30 nights occurred so long ago. how is it possible that everything started unraveling again so quickly? she doesn’t know what happened. nothing makes sense to her anymore.

and with her at her breaking point, it wouldn’t be the smartest thing to do to agitate her until she feels as if she needs to throw something. flustered as she was, she still kept her composure. yelling never did any good for her and she knew it never would. although, the thought of screaming at the top of her lungs loud enough to start an avalanche did cross her mind for a split second. but words, she needed to use words. too bad she was never good with the use of words...she needs to vent. venting she can do. and at least she’s good at that. at least with the right person...

she thinks too much for her own good and she knows it. but is it really such a bad thing? if she didn’t analyze these things, nothing would ever be fixed. she was never one to just go with the flow when she knew things needed fixing. and when it’s her that needs the fixing, it makes it that much harder. maybe someone else needs to come along and fix her. cause she honestly doesn’t know what to do with herself anymore. being wrapped in someone’s arms for a nice, long hug could possibly mend things.

...this is such SNAFU.

amazing.

i don't think you will ever fully understand how you've touched my life and made me who i am. i don't think you could ever know just how truly special you are that even on the darkest nights you are my brightest star. i don't think you will ever fully comprehend how you've made my dreams come true or how you've opened my heart to love and the wonders it can do. you've allowed me to experience something very hard to find unconditional love that exists in my body, soul, and mind. i don't think you could ever feel all the love i have to give and i'm sure you'll never realize you've been my will to live. you are an amazing person and without you i don't know where i'd be. having you in my life completes and fulfills every part of me.

<3 athena

who knows.

walking through the library for the first time in a while made me realize just how much i missed reading. reading books i actually wanted to read because i picked them out myself and because i actually had the time to read them. i always say i never have time to read, but now that i think about it, i probably do have the time. maybe i've become too impatient to start reading a book for leisure. because then it feels like i'm wasting my time when i should be doing something else, something more important...like homework. has this what school has done to me? because every time i'm doing something other than homework, i worry that i didn't finish everything i needed to do. if i finish early, i have to quadruple check that everything is done and i can actually do something for myself. now is there something wrong with this picture or is there something wrong with this picture? i think there's something wrong with this picture. maybe i shouldn't blame school for this though. maybe it's just me. actually, it is me. i've come to the conclusion that i worry about this kind of stuff too much. i need to chill. seriously. ha, i wasn't always this way. too much worrying, not enough spontaneity. someone save me, please.

escape.

every once in a while, we all need time out from reality to just escape into our own world. somewhere where no one can judge you, no one can criticize you, and no one can make you feel inferior. one of the places i've found that works for me is inside my own mind. when i'm by myself, i think a lot. about friends, family, school, and life in general. i think what i want and no one can tell me i'm wrong. no one can say "sorry, athena. try again." cause it's one of the few things i get to control. it's my mind. my world.

and as she sat alone on the steps of a building where no one could see her, she finally found the sense of calm she had been looking for the entire day. she recalls the night before and is disappointed in herself. she replays the lecture over and over again in her mind and can't seem to figure out how she let him down. then she decides to think of something else. she doesn't like that topic anymore. friends, she thought. thinking of friends would make her happy. and she was quite right. thinking of one friend in particular put the biggest smile on her face. she liked the feeling she got when that friend came into her mind. knowing she had a friend that could make her happy without even being there eased her worries. and then another friend came into her mind. she thought about what that friend had told her the day before..."i don't get it," her friend said. "just be yourself. why think?" she knew those words were true, but she needed to think. it was the only thing that would make her feel better at the moment. school then proceeded to drift into the picture. as always. she knew semester was approaching quickly and anxiety and that list of worries came up immediately like those annoying pop-up windows. but this time, she couldn't close those windows so easily. she had to fix this quickly and properly. she has yet to figure out how exactly she is going to manage it all. and with a birthday coming up, the last thing she really wants to worry about is grades. sixteen years old she will be. sixteen and she still doesn't know what she wants. and she doesn't mean a gift. she means she doesn't know what she wants out of life.

and this is the world she chooses to live in. a world where she has her problems and makes mistakes. a world in which she can't please everyone and expects no one to be perfect. a world that challenges her mentally to improve her grades and doesn't let her get by on the easy track. and why would she choose this world over one where she could have the perfect life? because despite all the problems she has and all the obstacles she has to overcome, she's happy. sincerely happy. she's got the love she needs and the love she wants. and she needs nothing more.

musical comedy.

asdfghjkl; they had my vote. talent show rocked this year :)

tell them.

sometimes, i feel like i take what i have for granted. personally, i know that i am grateful for all of the people who have been there for me in some way or another and for everything i am lucky enough to have, but i always wonder whether or not those people question my respect and love for them. i don’t always wear my heart on my sleeve so sometimes it may seem like i’m not thankful. and i don’t always know how to express my gratitude. it can range from a simple smile to a big hug, but whichever i give to you, i hope you know that i will always be thankful for everything anyone does to help me. no matter if it’s just picking up my pencil for me, or if it’s for staying up with me while i do my homework.

and a wise word to all those out there who love and respect someone. never be afraid to tell them how you feel about them. you never know when that person may not be there for you anymore. think about it. if your best friend moved away today, would you be satisfied with everything you’ve told them? or would you feel as if you’re holding something back that you need to tell them? otherwise they’ll never know how much they mean to you. if you lost your mom tomorrow, would you be satisfied with yourself knowing she left this world with the knowledge of all the love you had for her? and if for some reason you had to leave everyone you loved tonight, would you be happy knowing that they were grateful for you because of all of the help you gave them? or would you question day after day how someone felt about you?

in this world of ours, it is impossible to read someone else’s mind. we never know what another person is thinking unless we ask them or they tell us. so, if there’s something you need to tell someone, go ahead and tell them. no matter how awkward it may be, everyone likes knowing they are loved by someone in the world, they are respected by someone, and they are an inspiration to someone. every girl likes being told they’re beautiful, every kid likes being praised, and every parent likes to hear an ’i love you’ come from their child’s mouth. so, tell your parents you love them, let your friends know they keep you going, and never take anything for granted. hold nothing back, my friends. nothing.

days like these.

ever had one of those days that started off really lame, but then ended amazingly? yeah, yesterday was just that kinda day. after running on 7 hours of sleep for two days, i really just didn't want to be at school. all i wanted was to go home. but then there was a rally that day, so that's basically what made me go. the rally came and went, we lost the class cheer, but i was still happy afterwards. i had fun. the history test ended up being not as bad as i thought it'd be considering i studied...oh, just about nothing. english was the same old stuff. then the talent show. waaay better than i expected. it was worth the entire 8 dollars and then some. hilarious, my friends. definitely a night to remember.

p.s.
life is funny sometimes :)

wonderwall.

"today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you. by now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do. i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now. back beat the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out. i'm sure you've heard it all before, but you never really had a doubt. i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now. and all the roads we have to walk along are winding and all the lights that lead us there are blinding. there are many things that i would like to say to you. but i don't know how. because maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me. and after all you're my wonderwall..."

oh, how i love this song.

maybe.

maybe i should start my homework. maybe i should figure out what i really want for my birthday. maybe i already know the answer. maybe i should learn how to be more patient. maybe i should be more careful with my things. maybe i should just care a little more. maybe i shouldn't be so easily influenced. maybe i should try a little harder. maybe i eat too much. maybe you inspire me. maybe something's wrong with me. maybe i don't care. maybe i need you more than you think i do. maybe i take you for granted. maybe i should try doing as much for you as you do for me. maybe this is as good as it's gonna get. maybe i like it that way. maybe i should stop saying maybe...

don’t you hate it when you ask someone a specific question and all you get back is a simple maybe? i mean, maybe can go both ways if you don’t know who you’re talking to. for some people, it’s easy to distinguish whether or not their maybe is either a yes or a no. but in those circumstances that you find yourself in which involve you and someone else who is known to be indecipherable with their expressions and you need an answer right away, a maybe could essentially drive you insane, correct? i apologize to those of you out there that i have flustered because of my constant “maybe’s” and “i don’t know’s”. but i have to say that the word maybe has been an essential part of my vocabulary for as long as i can remember. without it, i would have to make decisions right away. and we all know that’s as close to impossible as we can ever get. additionally, if i didn’t have this word in my vocabulary, i’d actually have to learn how to say no to people. you ask me for a simple favor, i’ll do it for you. even if i don’t really have the time for it. i’ll squeeze it in somehow. and then all those simple favors turn into one huge mess i have to fix by fulfilling what i said i would do. in a sense, this word is like a lifesaver. but on the other hand, i beat around the bush with this word, too. hence the fact that i've made a resolution to say/do what i really want without any further hesitation. so, try asking again and maybe i’ll give you a clearer answer.

more wishing.

"i hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, and each road leads you where you want to go. and if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose, i hope you choose the one that means the most to you. and if one door opens to another door closed, i hope you keep on walking 'til you find the window. if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile, but more than anything, more than anything, my wish for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to. your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. and while you're out there getting where you're getting to, i hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too. this is my wish. i hope you never look back, but you never forget all the ones who love you in the place you left. i hope you always forgive and you never regret, and you help somebody every chance you get. you find God's grace in every mistake, and always give more then you take..."

a horror story.

i don't know. stale marshmallows are pretty darn bad. who would want to eat a lumpy white brick?

sorry, random. but i have a bajillion marshmallows that i have yet to eat, and i'm afraid to see if they're stale. what a tragic waste that would be...

perfect timing.

so, about this whole wishing thing. she always make wishes on 11:11, finding dandelions to make wishes on makes her very happy, birthday candles are the perfect excuse for them, and fallen eyelashes gives her one more chance to make that wish come true. of course, not all of the wishes she's ever made came true (she never did get to meet j.k. rowling..) and she doubts many of them ever will. but no matter how far-fetched they may seem to other people, she believed at the time that they were perfectly worth wishing for. heck, she killed a whole dandelion for that wish. and she's not one to kill anything without a perfectly logical excuse. but lately, she's been wishing for the exact same thing everytime it turns 11:11, whenever she catches a fallen eyelash, and if she happens to find a dandelion in the grass. and this time, her wish is perfectly logical...

the sun had finally risen on the morning of the new year and as i wake up, i find myself in a completely different position than i had fallen asleep in. not surprising. i was still groggy from staying up so late the night before (considering it was new year's eve) and don't really feel like getting out of bed. but then, instinctively, i look over at the clock to check the time. suddenly, I'M WIDE AWAKE. and what time was it, you ask? 11:11. so, of course, i make my wish. the same wish i've been making for the past...oh, i don't even remember. but i've been making this wish for quite a while now. could this be the ultimate sign? will my wish finally come true this year? it's a definite possibility. signs like these pretty much get my hopes up. so, i'm ready for a let down if it comes. but, i mean, come on. waking up on the first day of the new year at exactly 11:11 and making a wish that i've wanted to come true for the looooongest time right when i get up? can you say perfect timing?