on repeat.

torn.

i am torn... torn between the thoughts in my head and the emotions in my heart. between the evident misalignment of your words and your actions. between my will to keep fighting and my growing need to stop.

i am torn between my insecurities and the people who feed them. torn between the past and the present, the present and the future. torn between knowing what i want and wanting what i knew.

i am completely and utterly torn.

my heart can't break anymore. please stop breaking my heart.

fool for love.

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

low point.

ever have one of those moments where you just put your head on your desk and cry? neither did i until, like, now. why is life so hard...

thoughts & things.

1. to whoever invented chai tea lattes, i love you.
2. to whoever left that wad of gum under the desk i sat at today, i hate you.
3. i spent $200 today alone. only $50 of that was necessary (gas). the rest... well, i have issues (retail therapy).
4. i'm moving in exactly 16 days and i have yet to start packing any of my crap. i'm doomed.
5. thing i learned this weekend: forgiving is easy, forgetting is hard.
6. i tried to start breaking bad, but i couldn't get into it. (sorry everyone in the world)
7. there was a new puppy at work today and he was sooo cute, but he made a run in my sweater. dilemma.
8. i think i've been using the word "bleak" incorrectly my whole life.
9. i dont think i would mind it being so hot if i could actually go to the beach more often, but since i can't, i'm over it.
10. pizookies make everything better.

is it friday yet?

better.

i've realized i am a better person when i write. wouldn't really be able to explain why, but it's just something i can feel.

it's a good feeling.

lost.

"i am driving up 85 in the kind of morning that lasts all afternoon, just stuck inside the gloom. four more exits to my apartment, but i am tempted to keep the car in drive and leave it all behind..."

monday. late afternoon. just after working that nine to five, i hop in my car, roll down the windows so i can breathe, and turn up the radio so that it's all i can hear. the streets are busy with cars hurrying home from a tiring day at a job that 75% of them probably hate. the stoplights are working overtime. the heat is relentless.

nothing out of the ordinary... as i entered onto the freeway i kept my windows down. maybe it was because i liked the feeling of the warmth on my skin. i think mostly it was because i liked how the wind blew by so fast it shut out all of the noise around me. i could hear nothing except for the bass of the radio and the other cars rushing by. i couldn't even hear myself think. that was actually the best part.

if i could be granted one wish at this very moment, i'm pretty sure the one thing i would ask for is an endless supply of gas for my car so i could drive with the windows down on the freeway for as long as i wanted. it's probably a waste of a wish, but i think that would make me feel better.

it's important to get lost every now and then. and i guess not to just get lost in the geographical sense, but i guess what i'm talking about is more like... losing yourself. i think it's important to lose yourself now and then. not completely, just enough so that you won't drive yourself insane. to let all of your thoughts, your insecurities, all of your reservations about life in general get lost in the wind.

it feels nice. even if it is only for 15 minutes on your drive home from work.

"you are the best part of my life."

It is 11:47AM. I've already eaten 3 chocolate bars and had a tall white chocolate mocha frapp. I have four more classes to go. Grumble grumble grumble.


I hate this time of the month...

my funky valentine.

today i was in a funk. it wasn't a big funk, just a little one. but a funk nonetheless. i sat in bed for hours not doing anything but wasting away time on the internet. i can't even tell you half the things i did mainly because i can't remember. seriously... mindless surfing. the funk lingered on and i could not shake it. i watched a movie. i took some tylenol. i ate a brownie. relentless. then midnight rolled around. you'd think this would make my funk somewhat funkier considering it's valentine's day and here i am sans valentine.

but my funk has left the building! thank you, world, for showing me i've got people to love who love me back. i was right; i don't have a valentine this year. i've got plenty.

snake.

i woke up this morning to the sound of people talking outside my bedroom window.

"do you guys have a toy snake?"
"yeah, i think we do."
"cause i can't tell if this snake is real or not."
"....yeah, our toy snake definitely doesn't look like that."

needless to say, that is when i got out of bed. i peeked my head out of the window and saw three people standing there: my dad, my mom, and my neighbor. they were all staring at a spot on the ground underneath the barbecue grill, so i turned my head and directed my gaze similarly. lo and behold, there lay the snake that caught their attention. i stared at it for a while, wondering how on earth a snake could end up here. then, enter neighbor number two.

"what's everybody staring at?"
"there's a snake right there!"
"where?!"
"underneath the grill. how do we get rid of it?"
"wait that thing? oh, uh. that's travis' toy."
"......"

so it turns out the snake was really just a toy. but i just kept staring at it. for some reason, i really really wanted that snake to be real. maybe because i had already believed it was real in the first place. so i kept staring. i stared and i stared as if my eyes could somehow make it come alive. it actually did look very lifelike. but it's kind of like how your imagination plays tricks on you sometimes. like when you're out somewhere and you catch a glimpse of someone and you think it's someone you know. you just keep looking and the more you look the more it looks like them because its what you wanna see. but then they turn around and you realize it's not them and you just wasted fifteen seconds of your life. well the snake never did come alive so my morning was only exciting for a while.

but, man... if the world were filled with things from my imagination...

everything is illuminated.

“so she had to satisfy herself with the idea of love — loving the loving of things whose existence she didn’t care at all about. love itself became the object of her love. she loved herself in love, she loved loving love, as love loves loving, and was able, in that way, to reconcile herself with a world that fell so short of what she would have hoped for. it was not the world that was the great and saving lie, but her willingness to make it beautiful and fair, to live a once-removed life, in a world once-removed from the one in which everyone else seemed to exist." - jonathan safran foer

happy people.

"happy people should have happy things happen to them."

i didn't go out at all today and i had nothing to do, so i spent the day watching grey's anatomy. this is pretty much what i do late at night or whenever i don't feel like getting out of bed. but watching episode after episode is an amazing feat, considering that every. single. episode. is extremely depressing. a mother losing her unborn child, a man who's fiancée left him because she couldn't stand seeing him weak with cancer, a daughter going into a routine surgery and coming out blind or paralyzed. very very depressing.

but what makes the situation even more unbearable is that the majority of the patients who get admitted into the hospital for life threatening illnesses (or those that succumb to those illnesses) never deserve to be there, to have to suffer, or to have to die. if you think about it, there is no one who really deserves that. but these people...they're normal people. they live normal lives. they're happy. then all of a sudden their world is turned upside down and they feel helpless. then they're not happy anymore.

happy people should have happy things happen to them. but i guess if any of us want to know what true happiness is, we must also know pain and suffering. only then can we understand the power of happiness.


i need to stop letting tv shows affect me so much.

47m 29s.

right before you called, tears were in my eyes.
right before you called, i was about to go to bed sad, angry,and lonely.
right before you called, i hated everything.
right before you called, it seemed like the world had gone rotten.
right before you called, i wished someone would call.

right after you called, i caught myself smiling.
right after you called, going to bed content was easy.
right after you called, i no longer hated everything.
right after you called, i realized all i needed was the comforting sound of someone's voice.
right after you called, i was so glad you called.


thank you for calling.

beastly.

to be forgiving.

i found that there are different levels of forgiving someone. to forgive someone, according to the merriam-webster dictionary, is "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for (forgive an insult)." or "to grant relief of payment from (forgive a debt)." or "to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)."

or simply... "to grant forgiveness."

but granting this aforementioned forgiveness is so difficult for so many people. why? because someone may say that they have forgiven you or someone else when really, they haven't. and they have to live with pretending that everything is okay, all the while the anger and resentment is eating them up inside.

i admit, i know first hand how hard it is to forgive someone who has done you wrong. it's hard to understand that people can really be sorry for being purposefully mean, cold, and unfriendly. but it happens. people can be sorry.

i can't even count the number of people that have been kind enough to forgive me over the years. forgive me for things like being the person they landed on when they rolled their ankle or for something small like owing them a couple bucks.

so if other people are strong enough to be forgiving, i can surely try just as hard.


this is my new year's resolution: to be forgiving.

love story.

there once lived a girl who loved a boy...

if you think about it, that in itself is a beautiful story. loving someone is everything: it's exciting, suspenseful, heartwarming, scary, fun, thrilling. everything a good story should be. it can take you places you only dreamed of and let your imagination run wild. loving someone is enchanting.

but what if the story really did end there? there once lived a girl who loved a boy. but what if the boy didn't love her back? then it's not such a happy story after all. the happiest story begins and ends as such:

there once lived a girl who loved a boy. and the boy loved her too.

i want my happy ending.

jump then fall.

i like the way you sound in the morning
we're on the phone and without a warning
i realize your laugh is the best sound
i have ever heard...

don't say victim.

"so what if it hurts me? so what if i break down? so what if this world throws me off the edge and my feet run out of ground?"

i am a survivor. we all are in our own different ways. we battle heartache, overcome indifference, break through stereotypes, and so much more. in the eighteen, almost nineteen years of my life, i have learned to become a fighter. i fight to stay grounded, i fight for my loved ones, i fight against labels, i fight for what i believe in, i fight for acceptance.

but you fight and you fight and you fight, and through all that struggling you can't always win. there are times when you're just so tired... and it just seems that at those moments of weakness, life throws you some cheap shots and a couple low blows. "i just can't win," you think to yourself. but then you slowly regain strength and the one thing you have to do is keep fighting.

life can get freaking hard. but you know what? i think i've done an alright job making it through this far. i must be doing something right.

way back into love.

"all i want to do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
and if i open my heart again
i guess i'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

there are moments when i don't know if it's real
or if anybody feels the way i feel
i need inspiration
not just another negotiation

all i want to do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
and if i open my heart to you
i'm hoping you'll show me what to do
and if you help me to start again
you know that i'll be there for you in the end"