on repeat.

torn.

i am torn... torn between the thoughts in my head and the emotions in my heart. between the evident misalignment of your words and your actions. between my will to keep fighting and my growing need to stop.

i am torn between my insecurities and the people who feed them. torn between the past and the present, the present and the future. torn between knowing what i want and wanting what i knew.

i am completely and utterly torn.

my heart can't break anymore. please stop breaking my heart.

fool for love.

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

low point.

ever have one of those moments where you just put your head on your desk and cry? neither did i until, like, now. why is life so hard...

thoughts & things.

1. to whoever invented chai tea lattes, i love you.
2. to whoever left that wad of gum under the desk i sat at today, i hate you.
3. i spent $200 today alone. only $50 of that was necessary (gas). the rest... well, i have issues (retail therapy).
4. i'm moving in exactly 16 days and i have yet to start packing any of my crap. i'm doomed.
5. thing i learned this weekend: forgiving is easy, forgetting is hard.
6. i tried to start breaking bad, but i couldn't get into it. (sorry everyone in the world)
7. there was a new puppy at work today and he was sooo cute, but he made a run in my sweater. dilemma.
8. i think i've been using the word "bleak" incorrectly my whole life.
9. i dont think i would mind it being so hot if i could actually go to the beach more often, but since i can't, i'm over it.
10. pizookies make everything better.

is it friday yet?

better.

i've realized i am a better person when i write. wouldn't really be able to explain why, but it's just something i can feel.

it's a good feeling.

lost.

"i am driving up 85 in the kind of morning that lasts all afternoon, just stuck inside the gloom. four more exits to my apartment, but i am tempted to keep the car in drive and leave it all behind..."

monday. late afternoon. just after working that nine to five, i hop in my car, roll down the windows so i can breathe, and turn up the radio so that it's all i can hear. the streets are busy with cars hurrying home from a tiring day at a job that 75% of them probably hate. the stoplights are working overtime. the heat is relentless.

nothing out of the ordinary... as i entered onto the freeway i kept my windows down. maybe it was because i liked the feeling of the warmth on my skin. i think mostly it was because i liked how the wind blew by so fast it shut out all of the noise around me. i could hear nothing except for the bass of the radio and the other cars rushing by. i couldn't even hear myself think. that was actually the best part.

if i could be granted one wish at this very moment, i'm pretty sure the one thing i would ask for is an endless supply of gas for my car so i could drive with the windows down on the freeway for as long as i wanted. it's probably a waste of a wish, but i think that would make me feel better.

it's important to get lost every now and then. and i guess not to just get lost in the geographical sense, but i guess what i'm talking about is more like... losing yourself. i think it's important to lose yourself now and then. not completely, just enough so that you won't drive yourself insane. to let all of your thoughts, your insecurities, all of your reservations about life in general get lost in the wind.

it feels nice. even if it is only for 15 minutes on your drive home from work.

"you are the best part of my life."