in retrospect.

the year had just begun and she read over and over her new list of oh-so-possible resolutions. she knew she could make them happen. all she had to do was try. her willpower would truly be tested for the coming year. she was happy with a new year to start fresh although she was perfectly fine with her life at the time. the last four months of the past year had given her a taste of a new school with a considerable amount of new friends. a birthday passed and she had just turned fifteen. she recieved an iPod as a gift and from that day forward, she couldn't last a day without it. another year older, another year wiser.

school continued and was basically taking up her entire life. she regretted not having time for anything else, but was there really anything she could do? there probably was...but the month went on in that same state-of-life. she went to a valentine's dance on the tenth of this month and recalls it as the best dance she has ever been to. so far. valentine's day came and went and was nothing special to her as it happened every year. she joked with her friends about the fact that it was singles awareness day, but she always wished she didn't have to celebrate it that way. the only thing she had ever liked about valentine's day was the fact that her daddy gave her chocolates and told her he loved her. it was nearing the end of the month and she remembers a certain day that she hates remembering at all. it was the twenty-seventh and it was raining. they were hanging out in sizer for a while, then the baseball team kicked them out cause they needed somewhere to meet. so they walked out into the rain and she figured she should just ask. but he wouldn't even listen to her. he was ignoring her, so she just gave up and walked the other way. then he came back out. he talked to her and she felt better. the next day he wrote her a note. she still has the note...

friendships grew stronger and she was realizing what the meaning of friendship truly was. the month started off perfectly. cause everything was normal. everything seemed balanced. and she liked it. it was only the second day of the month and she finally got jeff to get aim. oh, how naive she was. it was the first night he had aim and yet their conversation turned into the longest one she had ever had with anyone. they stayed up until 4:30 in the morning talking (with some homework mixed in there). and little did she know, that wouldn't be the last time that happened. she watched the international assembly and was excited to see her most favorite filipinos do binasuan. she was quite proud of them. oh, and she believes this was the month she accompanied someone on their first rampage.

there's not much she can remember about this month except for spring break. she desperately needed it and it turned out just the way she wanted. she hadn't seen her anjelica in the longest time and missed her to death. but she finally got to hang out with her and rona at huntington beach. they took an incredible amount of pictures and talked like they hadn't even been apart at all. they ate at bj's and then when the day was over, promised each other they'd hang out like this again soon. she knew anjelica was always good with her promises.

she was quite satisfied with the goings-on in her life and had no idea how much would be going on in this month alone. the first thing that comes to her mind when she looks back on it, was the day mimi fell down on her and twisted her ankle. she had never broken anyone before and she felt terrible...she became a slave for a while. besides all of that, she was very content with her life. mother's day came and she made one of the best cards ever. she was very proud of herself. then the last class activity of the year came up and she had herself an amazing time. first of all, she got to watch two johnny depp movies. that alone would leave her giddy (and it did). all through pirates of the caribbean, her strange friend d-ho made quite interesting noises that cracked her up immensely, her short-friend-shane-who-will-never-be-taller-than-her was getting a workout for the weirdest reason, and her confused friend jeff questioned the plural of twix...the next day she got an invitation to the awards ceremony for school and puzzled herself until her puzzler was sore as to whom would give her an award. she wouldn't figure out who until the ceremony came. and it was the last person she would have guessed...but she was very pleased.

she experienced her last choir show until senior year in june. it was goodbye choir, hello euro. she had fun with choir and was a bit sad she wasn't doing it anymore for a couple years, but not all that sad. one birthday came after the other during the month. first rona's, then victoria's, then katherine's. it was nice. then one day, she went to the knott avenue christian church to watch the orangeview choir show, but she had no idea it would turn out to be a spanish show. she endured the show with her friends and had a surprisingly good time. and when the night ended, she got to take a picture with the guitarist. his name was andy. she finally got her yearbook and was very happy. it was the most beautiful yearbook she had ever laid eyes on. it was like holding a piece of art in her hands. and that piece of art contained the writings of close friends sharing their favorite memories of the year with her and how they hoped she would have a good summer. she was glad she had made enough memories with everyone so that they could all write a page for her. although some did manage to write more. the last day of school arrived and she was deeply saddened. a whole two months she would go without seeing many of her friends. but that wouldn't stop her from hanging out with some of them as soon as two days after school got out.

her first month of summer break after her first year at oxford felt good. not having work to do every single night pleased her very much. and yet she was already wishing school would come because she missed all of her friends. she was never good at making decisions. she surprised herself immensely when she finished her first summer assignment book this month. earlier she had thought she wouldn't even start one of them until august. it was a very good surprise. then she started tennis. it made her very happy. but on her first day of camp, she was running after the ball and she slipped and fell. it hurt a lot. and she still has the scar on her elbow. but despite that, she continued to play for weeks and enjoyed it very much. once tennis was over, she got a trophy for first place. she was quite the happy camper.

it was getting closer and closer to school and she was stressing out about all the homework she wasn't doing. but the first week of august was filled with birthdays to sidetrack her mind. anjelica, gaby, and jeff, all turning fifteen. she has yet to give jeffrey his present and she feels extremely terrible for prolonging it. but she has had absolutely no time to work on it. and not until decemeber would she literally be held incapable of working on it considering a horrible turn of events that left her, well, without the proper resources to finish it. she promises it will come sooner or later...

and then september came around and she was glad she'd get to see all of her friends soon. she was given the opportunity to see many of them before school even started because of a certain bonfire. it was very fun, and she got to eat marshmallows, so of course she was happy. the next day, she watched andre agassi play in the U.S. open, but she had no idea it would be the last match of his career. after watching him basically her entire life, she was saddened greatly when he walked off the court after losing to benjamin becker. school started and it was time to get rid of her summer-wasted brain. she was happy to see everyone again, but had no idea what her sophomore year would bring her through in only a matter of months. her dad's birthday came and it was a sad and happy day all mixed into one. it was only sad because it was september eleventh, and everyone mourned the loss of lives that horrible day 5 years ago. but despite that, she had a good day with her family.

she had her ups and downs this month, but it was the ups that towered over everything. she remembers a certain message t-shirt day, where she got to wear her wonderful free hugs shirt (and she thanks victoria a million times over). she had no idea what the power of a hug could do for a person. she thought it a good feeling. that same day, she and the rest of class committee put together the best class activity there ever was. she'll most likely never forget that night because it was just that amazing. and for some reason she remembers a quite embarrasing moment that occurred during this month. she was walking with jeff and albert and begins walking around a pillar, but runs straight into it instead. she clearly saw it in front of her and yet her sense of direction completely failed her. for some reason, it didn't surprise her.

november was the worst month of the year for her...until the end. it started off terribly and she just wanted to give up. the worst day she has endured (at least the worst one she can remember) occured during this month. she cried three times and she still didn't feel like that was enough. it just kept getting worse as the day went on and all she wanted to do was go home. this was also when she realized she wasn't doing so great with her grades. it hadn't hit her until then and she wonders why it took her so long to fix everything. thanksgiving came and she forgot all her worries. family kind of has that effect on her. she thought about all she was thankful for and realized she's got it pretty good. from here on out, she stopped a lot of her worrying. and then her sister's birthday came. a lot of food was eaten, which made the day that much better. then later that night, she went to her first concert. it was better than she had ever dreamed it would be. that was definitely a night to remember. oh, and she almost forgot. this was also the day she quit myspace and aim...

out of all the months in the year, the last one to come was probably her favorite. her grades were getting much better and she was getting closer and closer to her best friend. life was amazing for her. and for once, she wasn't so caught up in her own problems that didn't allow her to help her friends with theirs. she was able to talk with her friends about their troubles. and for the first time in a while, she felt as if she was finally giving back to everyone who ever took the time out of their lives to help her with whatever she needed help with. she had more time to think about life now that she always slept at 9:30 every night. and now when she pondered about life, it was different. she no longer thought about it in a way that forced her to think about how to do things differently soon afterwards, but now when she thought about it, nothing was forced on her except a satisfied grin on her face. on the twentieth of the month, she finally got her braces. she wasn't too happy about having metal in her mouth, but it had been delayed long enough. the first few days she talked funny and people thought she was cuter...she got used to it after a while. the Christmas she had that year was one of the best she had ever experienced. and now a new year is coming for her. another twelve months to prove herself. prove that she can do all that she aspires to. that willpower of hers will once again be tested.

and with all that said and done, all she wants is to make this year better than the last...

one-way street.

"when you feel all alone and a loyal friend is hard to find, you're caught in a one-way street with the monsters in your head, when hopes and dreams are far away and you feel like you can't face the day, let me be the one you call. if you jump i'll break your fall, lift you up and fly away into the night. if you need to fall apart, i can mend a broken heart. if you need to crash, then crash and burn. you're not alone."

sometimes, it's like she's stuck on a one-way street. turning back won't do her any good and moving forward guarantees her nothing but a path to the unknown. she worries herself night and day about every little decision she makes and yet she still progresses. why doesn't she just make a path of her own? she admits she was never a born leader. despite the fact that people have told her time and time again that she could pull it off if she just tried. they say she could make it. and make it BIG. but the doubt that fogs her mind erases all those words of encouragement. she needs someone to show her how. how to be an inspiration to someone else. how to control herself. how to make this world a better place. but first and foremost, how to figure out what to do with her life.

this is a first. she's never admitted it until now, but she's afraid of her life after highschool. where is she going? this one-way street isn't giving her many options. at the moment, she doesn't feel as if her mind is opening up to opportunities, and she's afraid it will never learn to. if she doesn't straighten up now, when will she? does she realize she'll be left behind? she's terrified that all her friends will be moving forward while she's stuck in the same place; on a one-way street to a place she doesn't want to be. she wishes she could make a U-turn somewhere and start all over, but she sees nowhere to turn. so, where does she turn? who does she turn to? and how will she make this aforesaid turn? and if it so happens that she figures out how to turn this life of hers around, will she not get dizzy and forget once more what she wants? will going back even do her any good? sometimes, as she walks on this one-way street, she waits and waits until she reaches a dead end sign. for some reason, it's as if she knows it'll appear sooner or later. it has yet to appear, so she hopes she can figure out what to do. what to do with whatever it is she needs to fix. and she always thinks something in her life needs fixing. maybe all she needs is someone to walk with.

picture.

do you ever look at a picture and see a stranger in the background? it makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you; how many moments of other people's lives we've been in. were we a part of a stranger's life when their dream came true? or were we there when their dreams died? did we keep trying to get in as if we were destined to be there? or did the shot take us by surprise and not even know it?

we wonder why black and white photos capture our soul and take our breath away. i think it's because without color, we aren't drawn to the makeup, or the color of our eyes or our hair, or even the color of our skin. black and white photos capture the innocence on one's face. we see the glow from the inside that brightens the eyes, the skin, and the smile. it grabs the truth that liberates us. sometimes color is too confusing.

(...a picture is worth a thousand words, my friend.)

la la la...

volume 1.

Breaking News for the Bored: when using the T9 feature while text messaging, a strange and unusual phenomenon has been occurring spotlighting similarities of certain words, meaning the letters that correspond with the numbers used to write a word could be decoded or scrambled to reveal other words that bare an uncanny resemblance to the original text. of course einstein’s theory of relativity proves that everything is related, i find it amusing to do my own research to back him up, in case you had your doubts.

each number on a phone represents three letters that can be used to type. the number 9 has four. when i type in the numbers 5683, it spells “love.” but that’s not all it spells. i could also have spelled the word “loud.” love can sometimes be loud, right? to love is to project in some way, similar to that of being loud. coincidence? it also spells “Jove.” Jove is the greek equivalent to Zeus. that’s right, almighty Zeus. in roman mythology, Jove would be called Jupiter. king of the gods, and now refers to the largest planet in our solar system. is love not loud and often times the largest thing in our local system?

more righteousness coming up as soon as I think of it.

tip of the day.

if you see someone without a smile, give them yours :)

a note.

"I've been through so much with you, more than any other guy, and I still want you as much as I did the first time I laid eyes on you. Every time I see you, it's like meeting you for the first time all over again. It's the butterflies in the stomach, the not knowing what to say, but out of all the things you've taught me, there's still one thing I don't know. I don't know how to fall out of love with you. I don't know how to let go and as I stand here looking at you, I wonder if there will ever be a day when I will get over your smile, when I will let go of the hugs you gave me that I continue to feel. A day when I forget the words you said to me, forget what you meant to me or forget how much I love you. But, no matter what you did to me or whatever happens to us, I know I could never get over, let go, or forget you. When you care about someone as much as I do you, being apart is the hardest thing to get used to. I thought I'd handle it just fine and that I'd be happy just to keep you on my mind. But it isn't always that easy. Sometimes the one thing that would please me the most is simply seeing you. I knew that I'd miss you, I just didn't know I'd miss you as much as I do. I want to share my tears with you. I want to share my love with you. I want to share my happiness with you. I want to share my strength with you, my smiles, my frowns, my joy, my loss, my good days, my bad days, the rain, the sunshine, hot cocoa, and the snowflakes. I want to share my life with you. At one point or another, one close friend will fall for the other, maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe, just maybe, forever, and that's what happened with me and you."


too bad i can't remember where this is from...

The Waiting Place.

...for people just waiting.
waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. everyone is just waiting. waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their uncle jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. everyone is just waiting.

and everyone always says it's best never to wait around for things. you shouldn't miss out on what's happening right now just cause you're waiting for something better to come along. you could wait for something your entire life and suddenly realize everything you've been waiting for is standing right in front of you. imagine all the time you wasted waiting for something that was already there, staring you straight in the eyes. and then they always tell you life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain. but what if you knew for sure that waiting is really what you want to do? would you really be missing out on anything? because if you knew for a fact that all the waiting would be worth it in the end, wouldn't you wait? if it's something you've got to do, then you've got to do it. holding on is all you can do and hopefully no one will let you go. cause there's no sign of that happening on my part anytime soon.

why?

because i don't know how to tell you. because i'm comfortable with you. because i need to work on my willpower. because you make me nervous. because i hate confrontation. because i wish i could fly. because sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. because maybe i love you. because i can't live without you. because i remember the little things. because you're the only one that understands me. because i trust you. because you share your world with me. because you never ignore me. because you make me happy. because you support me. because you feed me. because you make me laugh. because there are things i regret. because i get jealous when you're with other people. because i'm not always honest. because you've changed me. because crying can be just as comforting as laughing. because there are things in this world that are better left unsaid. because i'm afraid. because hugs are the best kind of medicine. because i don't always wear my heart on my sleeve. because i need reassurance for everything. because i get confused very easily. because i need to raise my grades. because i could live off of that smile. because you can never go wrong by being nice. because i like suprises. because you amaze me. because i don't know how to explain.


sometimes the things he says makes me think...

a year from now.

and where will we be a year from now? a year older and 365 days wiser. we're hoping for the latter, but nothing is ever guaranteed. will i still be at oxford? will i have made new friends? created an enemy? or simply just realized the true meaning of friends and enemies? will i be taller? will i have a new favorite color? will i have found a new passion for myself? will i be broke? will i be happy? will all of my wishes made on 11:11 have finally come true? will i fall in love? will my hair be longer? or even shorter than it is now? will i have braces? will the promises i have kept be fulfilled? will i know how to drive? will i have found my soulmate? ...and will i like myself a year from now?

three-hundred sixty-five days. that's a pretty long time. a long time to change. make ourselves better. improve ourselves. there's always the other way we could change, too. we could all take a turn for the worst. and i really wonder how i'll be a year from now. i'm not the type of person that changes much from year to year, but i change nonetheless. somehow, i'm different. a year ago, i had just gotten to know new people at a new school. i never would have guessed how each of those people would affect my life and who i am right now. changes can be very unpredictable. and even now, i still don't know how i've changed. maybe for the better, but i'm not even sure of that. i just hope that 525,600 minutes from now i'll be a better person. that's all i can ask for. for now.

shadows.

remember the shadow game we used to play at recess? or shadow tag? whatever you want to call it. basically, when it's that time of day when your shadow is able to be seen, you run around trying to tag each others' shadows by stepping on it, yes? but whenever it rained or it was an overcast, cloudy kind of day, you couldn't go out and play cause your shadow wasn't there. absolutely no fun.

in our lives, we have those people that are only there next us, supporting us, during the good moments. they're there to help you have fun and create more fun for you. they make your sunny days sunnier and the songs you sing a little sweeter. but then when the rain comes, the tears fall, and all you can hear is the sound of thunder ringing in your ears, they disappear. the clouds cover your light, and with that light they're gone. you look next to you and all you see is a puddle from the rain with your reflection staring back at you. you; the only person left. not even an umbrella to keep you from catching a cold. i guess we all need someone who will hold up that umbrella for us in the rain to keep us from drowning. and even in the sun, cause too much sun can burn you pretty badly...so don't be my shadow please and leave me when i need you. be my umbrella-holder. and i'll help you hold it too. besides, those umbrella hats you wear on your head are quite ridiculous. i'd rather not have to resort to that.

routine.

alarm. wake up. snooze. alarm. off. wake up. shower. dress. blow dry. eat. brush teeth. shoes. backpack. car. drive. kiss. school. locker. hot chocolate. locker rooms. change. run. change. parlez francais. storytime. get confused. the past. business. lunch. friends. socialize. sarcasm. chemistry. stairs. locker. hug. call. home. iPod. homework. family. dinner. phone. homework. computer. blog. sleep. dream. repeat.

missing one of these things can really throw a girl off... and boy, did it throw me off.

decisions.

and now that i am actually capable of staying awake for the entire school day everyday, i actually get to process what the teachers are saying. crazy, i know. but a couple of days ago, mr. ontiveros was giving his usual beginning-of-class story and he asked us something that made me think. “do you think you have the choice whether your day his good or bad?” he asked. i sat there, and for some reason, i was a bit shocked. and as i sit here now i still don’t understand why i hesitated to answer to myself. i mean, of course i get to decide whether my day is good or bad. so, i pulled out my agenda and wrote down his question in the margins. i figured it’d mean something later. i got home, started working on my homework and finished earlier than i planned. and when i pulled out my agenda to cross off all the homework i had done, i saw the question again. “do you think you have the choice whether your day is good or bad?” yes. the answer is still yes. i think earlier this year i may have given the typical 'i don't know' to this question, cause i don’t think i would’ve answered 'yes' right away. but, now i know that for a fact, at least for me, i can decide whether my day is good or bad. cause if something does go wrong during the day, it’s up to me whether or not i even try to make things better or just wallow in my own self-pity. i’ve had my share of bad days this year and i can’t say i will ever be rid of them, but the bad days that i’ve had were bad because i didn’t try to make them, well, good. maybe this isn’t the best subject to base my mental growth on, but i think in some way or another i have grown this year. yes, i know. it’s only been, what, barely 4 months since school started? well, despite the short amount of time i’ve spent back in school (although it seems like forever), i think i’m already beginning to see changes in me. the decisions I make for myself are becoming much more reasonable and i’m attempting things i didn’t have the strength to do 4 months ago. i mean, i quit aim. yeah, enough said.

oh, wise one.

from cookie #1:
...and then from cookie #2:

i think these cookies are trying to tell me something..

halves.

i see now that all of us are going through the same thing, but few of us are open about it; whatever it may be. we bottle it up inside until we can't take anymore. well, obviously that's not good for anyone. but i'm learning that life is so much easier if you just say what you mean and mean what you say, because half truths are no better than lies. we cant expect people to read our minds. even though it'd be so much cooler if we could. but, wait. would it really? people would be getting into your thoughts without you even knowing it. they'd know your every move before you took a single step. creepy, no? someone knowing you inside and out. besides, that's what best friends are for. i've been taught that to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all. cause not having something at all gives us room to get something else instead. but having something halfway, well that's no fun. torture, really. cause you're working so hard just to get that other half and there's no guarantee you'll ever make it full. see, halves are no good. i mean, you could be someone's other half; their better half. if you leave them, they won't be whole. and half a person is completely and utterly unacceptable.

cheers.

All the Whos down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot,
but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did not.
The Grinch hated Christmas — the whole Christmas season.
Oh, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
Or maybe his head wasn't screwed on just right.
But I think that the best reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Then he got an idea. An awful idea.
The Grinch had a wonderful, awful idea.
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages boxes, or bags!
And he puzzled and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more."
And then the true meaning of Christmas came through,
And the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches… plus two.
He brought everything back, all the food for the feast.
And he, he himself, the Grinch, carved the roast beast.
Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer.
Cheer to all Whos far and near.
Christmas Day is in our grasp
so long as we have hands to clasp.

mimi.

it's hard for her to imagine a life without kimly. kimly has always been there for her through thick and thin. no matter what. sure, she's taken some of those cold-hard glares from kimly every once in a while, but she's gotten used to it now and thinks of it as more of a "hi, athena. and how are you today?" :) she's enjoyed every minute, every second, she has spent with kimly because all of those memories are truly unforgetable. and that's truly saying something, considering she has about the worst memory ever. yupp, kimly's just that special to her that she couldn't possibly forget anything about her. she trusts kimly more than a lot of people in this world. and let me tell you, there are quite a few people on this planet. man, is that saying something. the rampages and adventures she has taken with kimly has helped her relieve her stress. and she thanks kimly for that. she shares so many things in common with kimly and loves knowing that someone will always help her justify her madness. she considers kimly a one-of-a-kind kind of person. no one can compare to kimly cause kimly's, well, unique, let's say. in the greatest way possible. kimly is one of those people that she can laugh with until she cries and take stupid pictures with and not care what other people think. but what she loves most about kimly is what she's taught her about friendship. one of the most amazing kinds of friends she could ever have is the kind of friend that could sit on the couch with her never saying a word, and then walking away feeling that was the best kind of conversation she's ever had. kimly does that for her. she doesn't think she's ever really told kimly how much she appreciates her and how incomplete her life would be without her. but it's true. she loves kimly like a sister. and if she should ever lose kimly, her world would come crumbling down. now that's saying something. happy birthday, kimly phamvan ♥

someone.

if ever you feel as if your alone in this world, remember that you never are. there will always be someone out there that loves you unconditionally. someone who knows for a fact they can't go a single day without hearing your voice. someone that needs your smile to know things will be alright. someone that doesn't care that you can't do everything they can because they accept you for who you are; and wouldn't want you any other way. someone that thinks about you right before they go to bed so they can have a good night's sleep. someone that just wants to hold your hand. someone that will give up everything just to see you for one more day. someone that will pick you up after you've fallen and scraped both of your knees. someone that can't bear the thought of a future without you. someone that thinks of you when they see something beautiful. someone that runs on the sound of your laughter to get through the day. someone that remembers to keep all their promises to you. someone that thinks of you as more than your average teenager. someone who will need to reach out to you when the world just isn't their friend that day. someone that would rather get hit by lightning than see the hurt in your eyes right before you burst into tears. someone that truly believes in you. someone that could care less about what you wear. someone that just wants to look into your eyes and tell you how they feel. someone that has watched you grow up and wants the best for you because they know what you deserve. someone that believes no one could possibly deserve you. someone that wishes for you at 11:11. someone that can describe you to a person as if they'd known you their entire life. someone that accepts your predictability and embraces it because it's the only thing in their life that's constant. someone that loves your random moments that essentially turn into the highlight of their day. someone that can't remember anything before the sound of your name. someone that wants you to sing to them one last time. someone that has cried for you because they couldn't be any prouder. someone that has cried for you because they thought they were losing you. someone that looks at you and wonders why you're so amazing. someone that is jealous of you because they think you have the perfect life. someone that knows you well enough to know your life is nowhere near perfect and why. someone that just wants to drive in a car with you all night long listening to mixtapes. someone that will stand with you in the rain. someone that will call you to ask if you're okay after seeing you had a bad day. someone that will tell you they love you and mean it with all their heart. someone that is afraid to tell you they love you because they love you that much. someone that shares your interests no matter how strange they may seem. someone that would teach you how to ride a bike if something should happen that made you forget. someone that will read you a bedtime story because you can't fall asleep. someone that marvels at your intelligence. someone that appreciates your generosity. someone that needs you like the air they breathe. someone that thinks of you as their everything.

now, put a name to each of those someones and look at what you've got.

stylistic.

this past week that has gone by so furiously has left me in a curious mood, and one that i have not been familiar with for quite some time. for a while now, i have constantly been weighed down with unfathomable amounts of work to be done at home, which have led me to stay awake, alone, into the wee hours of the morning with as much to be done as your imagination can reach. i felt as if my body were going to collapse like a building hit by a surprising quake; one with the strangest of aftershocks. it was like a neverending cycle of tiring days at school, endless hours of homework, then as many hours of sleep as i could count on one hand alone. but, as of late, there has been a sudden change of pace, and i have become altogether attached to its liking. the usual bedtime of one in the morning has been thrown out the window in a manner of sheer abruptness and replaced with a more suitable hour of nine-thirty in the evening. although the fact that i am not a morning person will most undoubtably never change, i am much more invigorated in the mornings than ever before; therefore, my mood for the day is amazingly lighthearted which affects all events i should happen to partake in. i have grown quite fond this last week of this life of mine without instant messager and myspace, and in general all the time-consuming distractions that have miserably increased my forsaken homework pile, but this route i have taken will obviously benefit me in the long run. i thank you for the support you have given me in my endeavors and beg of you to understand that i shall accompany you through all of yours, no matter how absurd or however difficult they may seem. we shall be pillars for each other; meaning at times i may need to lean on you, but during others i will be there to hold you up. i wish you well, my friend, and hope to see you soon.

mine.

if i had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. and contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. and what it wouldn't be, it would. you see?

and then sometimes you just feel everything and nothing all at once. sometimes you'll find yourself smiling while missing something at the same time. at times you can absolutely love a person, all the while wondering why you're even in the same room as them. life comes without guarantees. except that smiling will brighten your face, laughing will enhance your eyes, and possibly that falling in love will change your life. so, i'm guessing changing the world into something of my own wouldn't exactly work out. cause underneath it all, it's all about point of view. one man's trash is another man's treasure, remember? and living in a world where i'm alone in my happiness is nowhere near what i want. nor anywhere in the range of sanity. but if everything were what it wouldn't be in a world where things aren't what they are, then who would i be? without you? what a mess that would be.

stranded.

just.

"Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's just a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, 'He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man', or 'That's not a diamond, it's just a rock.' Just." - J.M. Barrie

limits. that's what that word brings; limits, boundaries, a breaking point. i can't possibly understand, i'm just a kid. personally, i'm not too keen on that word. understandable, no? when i hear the word 'just' i feel as if it's trapping me. i feel as if i can do so much more. i feel as if it's not doing its subject justice. giving it the kind of fairness it deserves. actually, now that i think about it, it's pretty darn patronizing. maybe i'm looking at it the wrong way, but that word is just...inadequate. and yet, i find myself using that word again and again. i don't hate you, i just dislike you. like that's any better, guys.

different words.

as of the last few weeks, it's been difficult for me to decipher the things i used to be so connected with. i knew everything about this (and that), and now...it's like i'm learning everything all over again. and i must say, i'm not too fond of it. watching it happen right in front of me...and then in my mind over and over again. i've seen it all before, but in a different way. to a different person. with a different meaning. in a different place; wait, no. same place. sometimes, i just don't get it. should i question myself? whatever the answer, it still won't get me anywhere. so, better question: should i question you? and they say there's no such thing as a stupid question. i beg to differ. let's redefine better, my friends. and if i could have just one thing, well, i think it'd be nice to have a sense of self-satisfaction.

mr. a-z.

sorry, i had to :)