Wednesday, December 30, 2009

love story.

there once lived a girl who loved a boy...

if you think about it, that in itself is a beautiful story. loving someone is everything: it's exciting, suspenseful, heartwarming, scary, fun, thrilling. everything a good story should be. it can take you places you only dreamed of and let your imagination run wild. loving someone is enchanting.

but what if the story really did end there? there once lived a girl who loved a boy. but what if the boy didn't love her back? then it's not such a happy story after all. the happiest story begins and ends as such:

there once lived a girl who loved a boy. and the boy loved her too.

i want my happy ending.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

jump then fall.

i like the way you sound in the morning
we're on the phone and without a warning
i realize your laugh is the best sound
i have ever heard...

don't say victim.

"so what if it hurts me? so what if i break down? so what if this world throws me off the edge and my feet run out of ground?"

i am a survivor. we all are in our own different ways. we battle heartache, overcome indifference, break through stereotypes, and so much more. in the eighteen, almost nineteen years of my life, i have learned to become a fighter. i fight to stay grounded, i fight for my loved ones, i fight against labels, i fight for what i believe in, i fight for acceptance.

but you fight and you fight and you fight, and through all that struggling you can't always win. there are times when you're just so tired... and it just seems that at those moments of weakness, life throws you some cheap shots and a couple low blows. "i just can't win," you think to yourself. but then you slowly regain strength and the one thing you have to do is keep fighting.

life can get freaking hard. but you know what? i think i've done an alright job making it through this far. i must be doing something right.

Monday, December 28, 2009

way back into love.

"all i want to do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
and if i open my heart again
i guess i'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

there are moments when i don't know if it's real
or if anybody feels the way i feel
i need inspiration
not just another negotiation

all i want to do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
and if i open my heart to you
i'm hoping you'll show me what to do
and if you help me to start again
you know that i'll be there for you in the end"

happiness is...

1. cold pizza and dr. pepper at 4 in the morning.
2. sitting on the huge rocks at seal beach at 1 am and listening to water crash all around you.
3. buzzer beaters... get it, clippers! (shh, lakers are still my #1)
4. really good sneezes.
5. my new ipod touch!
6. 7 girls, 2 mics, and a karaoke room for 2 hours.
7. crawl - chris brown
8. late graduation money.
9. being on break until foreverrr.
10. the chase :)

8 a.m.

tara, kimly, and i stayed up all night last night... i saw the light come in through the windows of alex's basement, i heard her parents getting up for breakfast, i heard the heater shut off, and i basically heard the world starting up again... and we hadn't even shut down yet. it was 8 in the freaking morning.

but it's nights like these that make me understand why my best friends are my best friends. it's because no one else could possibly keep me entertained for that long. i'm pretty sure anyone else would judge what happened in that karaoke room. and most importantly i don't think anyone else loves me enough to share "the gift" and the power with me. everyone just wants it all to their greedy selves.

it is now 4PM and i have to leave again in 2 hours. perfect :)

Saturday, December 26, 2009

this time around.

"we tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." - frederick koenig

for the last two months, i have forgotten. i had been searching for happiness in something i did not have. i felt like i could not be happy without it...but oh, how wrong i was. i've finally realized that i don't need to be chasing after something that does not want to be chased. instead, i've decided to stay within the company of those that appreciate me just as much as i appreciate them.

i might be doing it again, wanting something that i don't have, thinking it might make me a little bit happier. but this time it's different. i'm not really sure how, but it just feels different. it feels... better. :)

man, happiness is liberating.

Friday, December 25, 2009


down the street either way i find something from stopping me from getting to what i want. there are stoplights everywhere telling me to stop. no, athena. you should not go this way. to the right, there are approximately ten stoplights in the way of one of my options. going that way doesn't seem like the greatest route. too many obstacles. too much frustration.

but to the left towards my other option, there is not ten. nor is there nine or eight or even seven in the way. how many stoplights are there to the left? just one. there is just one stoplight stopping me from having what i want. really it's not stopping, more like warning and letting me think about whether or not i should move forward when the light changes. but it's been in the back of my mind for the past three years. three whole freakin' years and it's finally moved to the front of my mind. but this whole time it's always just been one stoplight away. so doesn't it seem like turning left would make more sense? it's easier. less frustrating.

but then again... they say the things in life worth having don't come easy. but well, maybe i don't think it's worth it anymore.

i think i've made up my mind. when the light turns green, i'm goin' left.

in repair.

"too many shadows in my room. too many hours in this midnight. too many corners in my mind. so much to do to set my heart right. oh, it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready... oh, but if i take my heart's advice i should assume it's still unsteady. i am in repair, i am in repair...

stood on the corner for a while to wait for the wind to blow down on me hoping it takes with it my old ways and brings some brand new luck upon me. oh, it's taking so long, i could be wrong, i could be ready... oh, but if i take my heart's advice i should assume it's still unsteady. i am in repair, i am in repair...

and now i'm walking in a park, all of the birds they dance below me. maybe when things turn green again it will be good to say you know me.

oh, it's taking so long, i could be wrong, i could be ready... oh, but if i take my heart's advice i should assume it's still unready...

oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready.

i'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there.
i'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

i am so confused.
but i am so effing happy.


i'm pretty darn sure i was an elephant in a past life because we really do seem to have a lot in common. or this might just be me being freakishly obsessive and wanting to relate, but eh. what can you do? not much. speaking of which, there are two things i know elephants can't do that i can't either.

1) elephants can't jump. and neither can i. not literally of course. i can project myself into the air just fine. but i say jump meaning i can't throw myself into a situation that i know will drastically change things. i have to admit i'm not a risk taker. i like plans. i like knowing. i don't like to jump if i don't know where i'm going to land.

2) elephants never forget. and neither can i. it's a little torturous, but sometimes it's nice. i'm not saying i have the greatest memory, but what i do know is that i always remember feelings of certain times, certain places. i can forget what people say, but i can never forget how they made me feel. it's hard to forget things like happiness and sadness because they consume me so fully. and i am okay with that. what is life but a chance to feel something real?

i don't know. can i just be an elephant now...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

never enough.

there never seems to be enough of anything nowadays.

there's never enough hours in a day to do everything you want to do. there's never enough cookies in the cookie jar. never enough people to tell you it's gonna be okay, never enough energy to keep you on your feet.

but i was thinking about it and i don't think it's necessarily that there isn't enough, i'm just wanting an excess amount of a good thing. what do you do you do when you can't get enough? you live your entire life vicariously through things you could potentially never have. that's kinda depressing...

there are a list of things i could think of that i don't have enough of in my life, but i won't list them for fear of sounding pretentious. but i will say one thing:

there's never enough time to make you understand.

Monday, December 21, 2009

the one.

"i had my life all planned out. i knew what i wanted. but.. it all changes when you find the one." - mrs. o

she never wanted any kids. she didn't even think she would ever get married. when all of her friends were fawning over boys, she was off playing sports and busy coaching basketball. her life was nothing out of the ordinary and she knew where she was going. then mr. o comes along... and well, things kinda changed for her.

and now, with a husband that loves her unconditionally and five beautiful daughters that bring her so much happiness, i couldn't help but wonder what else she could possibly want out of life. i understand not everyone's life is perfect and not everyone can have everything go their way. i understand that. but to see that every little thing she needed was right under her roof was so heartwarming i think my heart could have burst with all the love floating around in that room. they deserve everything they could possibly want and to have the perfect life.

but to think, it started out with finding the one for her and now... she's got six people that will never stop loving her. i want that.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

just keep swimming.

2 more weeks... 2 more weeks until it is winter break and everyone will finally be home and within (reasonable!) driving distance. 2 weeks seems so short, but in my mess of a mind it feels like three eternities. there's suddenly so much to do, so much to study for, so much to catch up on. but then i think about and i realize:

once all the blue books are turned in, all the scantrons are filled, all textbooks are closed, and all the stress withers away, it will all be worth it. of course it's important to worry about tests every now and then, but once that's all gone, the only thing i have to worry about is making enough time to hang out with everyone who comes home for christmas. if i don't, i think i'd hate that more than failing a test.

so for now i will freak out, study like crazy, and juggle fifty million things all at once and be okay with it.

time to get stuff done, athena.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

i wish i may, i wish i might...

tonight is one of those nights. the nights where it's easier to write what you're feeling on a blog rather than write an essay due at 9 in the morning. it's a night where you just want to get away from everyone and everything and just sleep until you're even tired of sleeping. a night where you fall asleep in jeans and a tshirt, the clothes you wore to school, because you could really care less. the kind of night where you wish you could just look up at the stars and find the answer written somewhere inbetween.

tonight is the kind of night that i'd want the streetlights to be turned off, so i could actually catch a glimpse of these so-called stars...

Sunday, November 29, 2009


i think i just had one of the best breaks ever...

wednesday: woke up at 8 AM sharp to get ready for disneyland with jeff and kimly! i hadn't been to disneyland in soo long (a whole year!) so it felt really nice to walk around the park again. but more importantly, i hadn't hung out with jeff or kimly for forever. luckily, it felt like no time had passed at all. i'm really glad we went. thank you jeffrey!

then as i was sitting at home around 9:00, just about to take a nap, kathleen calls me! and soon enough i was out the door heading to seal beach with tara and kathleen, two people that i have missed more than anything. we got to seal beach, popped open the trunk, and just laid there looking towards the ocean. then we headed to in-n-out once we got kicked out of the closing beach and stayed there 'til about midnight.

man, that was a good day.

thursday: thanksgiving! and sister's birthday. it's a good thing they were on the same day this year. otherwise, i would have eaten twice as much. haha. so we ate dinner at home, then at around 11 gerard came and picked me up and off to cabazon we went! although, it was definitely not that easy. hahaha. sigh... it took us 3 hours to get there because we took the wrong stupid freeway and halfway through gerard had to fix some rattling sound coming from his car. so instead of driving a mere 77 miles, we ended up driving about 230 miles :) ah well, it made for a good story. plus, he got really good parking as soon as we got there so that made up for it. so after all that shopping we had breakfast at denny's, took a nap for about 30 minutes in his car, then headed home. needless to say, as soon as i got home, i knocked out.

friday: so after my little napping session of about 4 hours, it was time to get ready for dinner with my girls!! 7:00 rolled around and before i knew it i was seated at a table at olive garden surrounded by 6 beautiful ladies that i have truly missed. there was a point in time where everyone was just talking and laughing and catching up and i just looked around the table and watched everyone. nothing could have made me happier than to be there at that very moment. then after dinner we had our sleepover, watched the ugly truth, played some charades, and then knocked out in an amazingly comfortable bed. sorry for scratching you while i slept kimly :( haha

saturday: another busy day was ahead. kathleen and i headed over to ms. sizer's wedding party at around 2 and hung around there for about an hour. then i came home to change and everything for mr. o's after-thanksgiving shindig. oh, to be in their home again. it felt so wonderful to be around their family again and to see that they are all just as happy as ever. the girls are getting so big! but are all so beautiful.

and that was the last of my adventures. today, i stayed home thinking about how thankful i am to have people in my life that can make me so happy by just being around me. their presence alone is enough. more than enough actually.

thank you.

Friday, October 02, 2009

i tried to write. but it just hurts. writing isn't supposed to hurt...

Monday, September 28, 2009


today...i realized i am homesick. but not the normal kind of homesick that people get when they move away (after all i am still living at home). it's the kind of homesick that you get for a place that wasn't really your home, but in a way kind of always was. it's a place where i felt safe, i felt loved, i felt confident enough to be my self, i felt happy, i felt comforted, i felt good enough, i felt welcomed, i felt... at home. but then i realize i can't call this place home anymore. it is no longer mine. it's changed. it's become something without me because i was the one who left.

i wish i could go home.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

look, ma! no hands!

today was my first day of college.

everything went perfectly and everyone i met was so nice and willing to make conversation. i absolutely loved having rona in two of my classes. my polisci professor is really cool and i can already tell he is going to be my favorite. i doodled a lot cause the professors all talked about the same thing (furlough days, their syllabus, course description, etc). i walked up 5 flights of stairs to the library and realized how pathetically out of shape i am. i think i walked over the entire campus today. i walked too much today. i saw someone that looked like stefan, but then i was like wait... stefan doesn't go here athena! then athena felt a little homesick for oxford, but class was starting in 10 minutes so she let the feeling pass.

i don't think i could have had a more perfect first day of college. the only thing that would have made it better is if i hadn't forgotten my water bottle in the morning. it was hot.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

walking with the breeze.

today i took a walk to the park. i stepped out the door with the intentions of taking on this walk alone. but as soon as i stepped out onto the street, i found a companion. i could talk to my companion, but my companion would not talk back. i could reach out my hand to my companion, but my companion could not hold on to it. my companion could see me, but i could not see my companion. it was as if i was walking with someone that wasn't really there... yet i didn't feel alone.

we reached the park, and as i laid down, i could feel my new found friend surrounding me, as if i were a child that needed a safety blanket. the minutes passed and i said not a word. but as soon as i got up to leave, i felt as if i had just had the best conversation i have had with anyone in a while.

then on my way home, i realized my companion was gone. as i walked, i looked around to find her in the trees, but the leaves did not stir. i looked for her in the streets, but everything stayed motionless. i suddenly felt alone.

i walked quicker towards home and about a block away, my companion came back. she stayed with me the rest of the way home and as i stepped inside, i was glad to have made a new friend. but then i realized something. this wasn't a new friend. i have had this friend all along.

"love is like the wind... you can’t see it, but you can feel it"

Sunday, August 16, 2009

such sweet sorrow.

"we only part to meet again..."

they turned left onto her street and he found a place to park so that they could savor the last few moments they had together. he turned the engine off, unbuckled his seatbelt as if to stay awhile, then turned towards her. it was late and the streetlights were dim, but she looked at him and found his eyes staring straight at hers. not piercing daggers, not a judgmental glare, but rather... an understanding kind of stare. a mutual understanding. something that couldn't really be put into words.

she leaned forward and put his face in her hands. she loved how soft he felt. they put their foreheads together and she closed her eyes. if she could just stay in this moment forever... he moved his hand to touch hers, still on his cheek. "are you gonna be okay?" he asked. she nodded and bit her lip, but she couldn't hold it in any longer. the tears started pouring so he wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his shoulder. "it's okay baby, we'll figure it out." she tried to say something, but her words got caught in her throat and it was hard to speak inbetween sobs.

finally the tears stopped falling and the shortness of breath subsided. he wiped away the hair from her face and she just stared at him again. she didn't know when the next time would be that he'd be sitting in front of her, still within arms reach. "you know i love you right?" she said. he nodded, their foreheads touching once again. "i love you, too."

they reached over the compartment in the middle separating the two of them and embraced one last time. she squeezed him with the intention of never letting go, yet knowing in just a few moments she would have to. "i'm gonna miss you," he said. "i'm gonna miss you too," she whispered. they untangled their arms and found their hands holding the other's. they sat like that for a while, holding hands, just talking. telling her to be strong and to have fun. and telling him to make sure to call so she doesn't forget what his voice sounds like.

then the phone rang. that God forsaken phone. the phone rang and they both knew he needed to leave. this is it, she thought. she handed him his going-away present, gathered her things, and opened the car door. he started the engine, and just before she stepped out, she leaned in and give him one last kiss goodbye. then she walked down the street towards her house.

she stopped in the shadows just before reaching her front door. she waited until he drove by so she could have one last glance. he drove past and she watched as he moved farther and farther away, until he was gone.

she'll still be here. waiting for him to come home to her.

Sunday, July 12, 2009


sitting on her bed on a hotter than hot summer day, her body couldn't take staying stationary any longer. she needed something to do with her hands, something to take her mind off of the heat-induced headache that was pulsating through her head. she panned her room from left to right and found a teal bucket she got as a gift filled with "college necessities." she picked it up and found just what she needed: play-doh.

it's funny... before she opened those tiny lids of colorful dough she didn't think she was sad about anything. but as soon as she started molding, the more she wished she could make the things in her life turn out the way she wanted them to. the more she wished she could mold her own future and fill it with guarantees. having everything stay this good forever was all she wanted... not knowing what would happen in the future worried her. but she was determined never to settle for less. she would shape her life in her own way for as long as she could, until it was in somebody else's hands. and when that time comes, she needs a plan b.

it's a shame certainty is a luxury.

Monday, July 06, 2009

paradise on call.

literally. whether it be me doing the calling or me getting the call, i always end up somewhere perfect enough to be considered a paradise. and paradise to me is being surrounded by people that make me happy unconditionally. being so consumed in laughter that i forget to breathe and when i finally take a breath i feel the best i ever have. being immersed in a deep conversation about life and the world and finding that you can escape reality if only for a while. or just being at the park feeling the breeze brush past you next to someone that enjoys nothing more than holding your hand and sharing your company.

i have been exceptionally happy these past few days. the freedom of summer never fails to thrill me. but i am 120% excited for college. although, it make take a little while to find the number for paradise over there.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

a wake up story.

i woke up this morning at 8:00. i looked out the window and the world didn't look very happy. the clouds were gray and the sun wasn't out. i didn't hear any birds either. this isn't very fun weather for a special day like this, i thought to myself.

i got out of bed and washed my face to wake myself up. then i crawled back into bed to lie down for a little bit longer until everybody else woke up. then i checked my phone to see what time it was. but instead of seeing the clock, the front of my phone said "46 new text messages." i stared at it a little longer... 46 text messages? what on earth...

"well, i hope you're asleep now. i'll tell you a story that you can read in the morning." that's how it started. and it ended with, "so she said yes. because they were meant to be. and they lived happily ever after. the enddd. i love you!"

the world no longer looked unhappy. :)

Saturday, May 09, 2009

i am __________.

"i have reached an age where, if someone tells me to wear socks, i don't have to." - albert einsten

and if someone tells me not to read a book, i can read it anyway. because i am athena anduiza and i am my own person.

Monday, May 04, 2009


jackie: what's your name?
me: athena
jackie: what's your favorite ice cream?
me: haha, cookies and cream.
jackie: me too!

she then proceeds to talk about how cookies and cream is the best ice cream in the world and no one can ever beat it, not even superman. oh, and she has a huge bucket of it at home. the ones you get from ralphs for real cheap.

this is why i like little kids. they ask you your name, but then the first logical question that comes into their mind after that is what your favorite ice cream is. not "what school are you going to next year?" or "what are you planning on majoring in?" or my all time favorite "so, what are you planning to do with your life?"

the kid just wants to know the ice cream that makes me the happiest. and i appreciate that.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

details in the fabric.

calm down, deep breaths
and get yourself dressed
instead of runnin around
and pullin on your threads
and breaking yourself up

if it's a broken part, replace it
if it's a broken arm, then brace it
if it's a broken heart, then face it

and hold your own, know your name
go your own way...

Sunday, March 01, 2009

happy birthday, dr. seuss!

"i like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells." - dr. seuss

from an early age, you have enhanced my eagerness to learn in more ways than one. the least i could have done was to write my multi-genre paper on you, which i did. and i couldn't have picked a better person. so now i am off to watch your book-turned-movie of "horton hears a who" as a little tribute to the happiness you have never failed to bring me. thedor geisel, you are a genius!

one sunday afternoon.

in brown shorts, an old tennis t-shirt, and $5 shoes from rite aid, i sat on the grass. the weather was beautiful -- the type of weather that made you finish your homework fast when you were little so you could go outside and play all day. my mother sat in front of me , my sister on the other side of the grave to my left, and my dad standing above us all, looking down. you'd think that going to the cemetery would be a solemn occasion, but it never is.

i look around at the beautiful people sitting on the grass with me: a mother so strong and loving, a sister so intelligent and admirable, and a father so hardworking and loyal. i listen as we all talk about the future ahead, of how i'm graduating high school soon, how my sister is looking for her first designing job, and how i'm finally looking for a job of my own. the future seems so bright knowing that the people that surround me will always be there.

then i look around at everyone else coming into the cemetery. the young and the old, the sad and the happy, the wife and the husband, the son, the daughter, the niece and nephew, the best friend and the fiance; all have loved and lost. but whether they come with family and friends, or come alone, i see that almost all of them have smiles on their faces. smiles because they get to visit their loved ones once again, knowing they have not really lost them at all.

as we drive away, i pass the sight of so many more people. so many more graves with beautiful flowers strewn upon them and balloons flying high with a "happy birthday" or an "i love you" written on them. but a certain person catches my eye: it is an old man sitting comfortably in a lawn chair with an umbrella over him, talking to the grave he was sitting at. i ventured a guess at what he was talking about and thought maybe he was talking to his wife about something as simple as the on-goings of his day. or his daughter, telling her he bought a new dog and named it after her favorite teddy bear. or maybe his son and explaining how he finally finished sanding the cabinet he had been working on for so long. whatever it was, it made me wish that one day someone will love me that much to come and visit me and tell me how their day went, as if i had never left at all.

the cemetery is a beautiful place.