Wednesday, January 31, 2007
when you're sitting alone in your room feeling down and out, the silence that surrounds you can start to feel utterly unbearable. you wish for someone to come along so you can hear their words of comfort, but at the same time don't want to be around anyone at all. and yet, when you have that same feeling of sadness come over you while your sitting against the wall of the gym with a friend, the silence doesn't seem so unbearable anymore. you don't wish for a friend to come and help you because you already have one there. but it's different when they're actually there. you don't wish for those words of comfort you had wanted ever so badly before. but, in fact, you find the comfort in the silence that you had wished to disappear when you were all by your lonesome...
nothing was said between them and nothing needed to be said. just a silent stream of tears and the warmth of a friend. it was just two friends sitting against a wall amidst the hustle and bustle of the rest of the students that didn't seem to have a care in the world. and although their surroundings were loud, the silence seemed to be even louder. but it was a comforting kind of silence. the kind of silence that shouts understanding and sympathy. it was the best sound i had heard all day.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
"he’s my sunshine in the rain. my tylenol when in pain. let me tell you what he means to me. like a tall glass of lemonade when it’s burnin’ hot on summer days, he’s exactly what i need. he’s soothing like the ocean rushing on the sand. and he takes care of me and helps me be a better woman. he’s so beautiful, sometimes i stop to close my eyes. he’s exactly what i need. he’s my smile when i’m feelin’ blue, my good night sleep when the day is through. let me tell you what he means to me. he’s kinda like this...kinda like the feelin’ after your first kiss, except that everyday he makes me feel like this. he’s exactly what i need..."
i waited for what seemed like an eternity for this school day to end. and now that it’s finally over and i’m at home in the comfort of my room, i realize why i wanted it to be over so quickly. feet were sore, calves were hurting, sickness induced headaches were fought, sleep was lacking, things were lost, and work just couldn’t be attempted at those desks. those were minor details of the day and they were all about me. but the major reason i wanted today to end so badly? it’s because i couldn’t stand being somewhere that made him cry like that. someplace that made him hurt like that. and without me knowing what to do made everything that much worse...
her day started out okay. nothing out of the ordinary. she knew she would have to run a mile that morning and it wasn’t something she was looking forward to. she was tired, her feet were sore, and it was too cold for anyone to be doing anything. clifton yelled for them to go, the timers started and all zero period sophomores began their 4 laps around the track. she didn’t want to do this. she was sick. tired. sore. but she went on. and this time, it was different. this time, she never stopped. not a single step did she walk. she just kept running. she doesn’t really have a reason as to why she kept going, but she did. she couldn’t let herself stop. maybe it was because she needed to prove to herself that she had at least some self-control left in her. because everything else she did seemed to prove her wrong. and when that was over, she figured the rest of her day would be smooth sailing. but, oh, how the winds turned on her...
lunch began and she walked to her locker as usual. she saw him there and there was something different about him. she couldn’t quite tell if something was wrong or not, but as soon as he wrapped his arms around her, she knew something wasn’t right. she held him for as long as she could and then let go, knowing they needed to go and talk. and as they walked past their usual lunch spot and out towards the back half of the school, she waited patiently until he told her what was wrong. then, his words suddenly started to piece together as they came out. and as he said those words with a quivering voice, tears ran down his face like she had never seen before. she looked at him as he told her everything and could feel nothing but pain because, for once, she didn’t know what to do. she didn’t know how to help him. she, herself, felt helpless. they kept walking, and then something happened. as he continued to pour all his feelings out to her, she looked over at him. and for the first time, it hurt to look into his eyes. they were filled with too much sorrow, too much pain, and too much disappointment and she couldn’t stand it. the tears seemed to fall forever and all she wanted to do at that very moment was to have the power to make them stop running down his face. she fumbled with the pink papers she held in her hand and listened to the sound of his voice filled with that same hurt and disappointment.
the seconds ticked away as they walked around the portables, and she felt as if she were useless. she had never felt this way around him before, but that feeling was all she could think about. useless, athena. what was she doing? she believed there was nothing she could do for him to make those tears disappear. but all she wanted was for those tears to evaporate and never be able to see living daylight again...
as they headed back into the center of the school with the rest of the students chattering happily with their friends, she felt as if she were somewhere else. off in another world where the only things that mattered was him. it hurt too much to see him like this and she wanted to make it all better. just for him. but seeing as she knew she couldn’t do it so quickly, the best kind of medicine she could give him were her hugs. temporary pain-relief.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
"your eyes, as we said our goodbyes, can't get them out of my mind. and i find i can't hide from your eyes, the ones that took me by surprise the night you came into my life. where there's moonlight i see your eyes. how'd i let you slip away when i'm longing so to hold you? now i'd die for one more day cause there's something i should have told you. yes, there's something i should have told you when i looked into your eyes. why does distance make us wise? you were the song all along and before this song dies i should tell you, i should tell you, i have always loved you. you can see it in my eyes..."
Thursday, January 25, 2007
and as she walked onto campus at 2:45 for the first time that day, she had a different feeling come over her than she usually did when she came to school. this time, she didn't have to dread the day that lay ahead of her filled with work, lectures, and tests. it was different this time. and she liked it. a lot.
the bell rang as she stepped onto school grounds and she saw the flocks of students rush out of classrooms out into the freedom of the rest of the afternoon. she, of course, knew how they felt. how they just wanted to leave all that work behind them and have some actual fun. how they could really care less about molecules, logarithms, and parallel structure. and how they just needed to escape from the endless droning of teachers that they had to endure day after day. she was glad she finally got her day of rest and relaxation. it was desperately needed.
but it was the first day of her sophomore year that she failed to attend. why? because she felt it was all too much. and the fact that she was sore from her sickness completely crushed her will to get up in the morning. she stayed in bed for what seemed like days, but yet it was nice knowing she finally didn't have to worry about anything for a day. one day. that was all she needed to get away from everything. and that's exactly what she got.
yet, even though she was able to get away from the unsurmountable pile of work that was forced onto her, that meant she had to get away from the good things that came with going to school as well. friends, in particular, are what she missed. but more like what she needed. when she's down, friends are one of the few things that can make her feel better. she went to school not only to get stuff from her locker and teachers, but to see her friends, too. she needed some laughter brought into her system and her friends have yet to fail in bringing her such laughter.
and now, she is no longer sick. a day off, being able to see her friends, hugs from everyone that missed her that day, and a darn good piece of apple pie has cured her of all soreness, sickness, and grumpiness. thank you to all who have made her feel needed because they couldn't stand a school day without seeing her. she gives you many thank yous.
right now somebody is thinking of you. right now somebody is caring about you. right now somebody misses you. right now somebody wants to talk to you. right now somebody wants to be with you. right now somebody hopes that you are safe. right now somebody is thankful for your support. right now somebody hopes that everything will turn out all right. right now somebody wants to hug you. right now somebody wants you to be happy. right now somebody wants you to find her. right now somebody is celeberating your successes. right now somebody wants to give you a gift. right now somebody thinks you are a gift. right now somebody loves you. right now somebody admires you. right now somebody is smiling because of you. right now somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on. right now somebody hopes that you know that somebody is her...
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, you complain too much? too much worry and stress put into things that won’t even matter when you look at the big picture. i’ve realized that lately i, myself, have been complaining too much about utter nonsense. did my parents not teach me that when life gets you down you don’t complain or whine, but you do something about it? oh, but they did. this is too hard. ask for help. there are too many people here. go somewhere else. i have a humongous headache. go lie down. my grades are despicable. try harder. i mean, is it really that hard to take care of yourself?
…but maybe that’s just it. we’ve come to rely on other people to bring us joy, happiness, comfort, security, and so many other things that we’ve completely disowned our own capability of doing those things for ourselves. we sit around moping all day hoping someone out there will come in, take the reins, and turn our horrible day into something so much better. for once, don’t wait for someone to make you happy. do something for yourself and have the satisfaction of knowing you did something worthwhile instead of just complaining about it all day.
if you think about it, you’re bad mood could possibly affect other people’s moods. when you’re sad, you can make someone else sad because they hate seeing you so depressed. when you’re happy, you could light up an entire room. when you’re scared, you could make someone else build up their courage and put their brave face on so they can do all they can to protect you. and if you’re sitting there thinking that there’s no chance on mars that you could actually have that type of power over someone, think again. you’re actions can have more power to alter situations more than you think they can. someone out there loves you enough to be affected by the simple expression on your face. don’t be intimidated by this ability though. don’t worry, be happy. that’s all you have to do.
and you call this nonsense? well go ahead and be depressed. but just remember, there are people in this world who have things that are actually worth complaining about.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
as she sat in her room, working diligently on her english homework, it finally hit her. and hit her hard. this was it; her breaking point. she couldn’t stand it anymore. day in and day out, night after night, hour after endless hour, she tried. she tried until she couldn’t possibly try anymore. what was she doing? what was she thinking? was this to prove something to herself? prove something to someone else? why? just why was she doing this to herself? she couldn’t stand it anymore. so much work was being done, but nothing she did would bring her enough self-satisfaction. it was all too much. just too much. the business project stressed her out even though her group was doing amazingly. but, again, it was just too much. but that project was not the reason she reached her breaking point. no, there was much more. 9:30. does that time seem familiar? it did to her. and yet now, it seemed as if those 9:30 nights occurred so long ago. how is it possible that everything started unraveling again so quickly? she doesn’t know what happened. nothing makes sense to her anymore.
and with her at her breaking point, it wouldn’t be the smartest thing to do to agitate her until she feels as if she needs to throw something. flustered as she was, she still kept her composure. yelling never did any good for her and she knew it never would. although, the thought of screaming at the top of her lungs loud enough to start an avalanche did cross her mind for a split second. but words, she needed to use words. too bad she was never good with the use of words...she needs to vent. venting she can do. and at least she’s good at that. at least with the right person...
she thinks too much for her own good and she knows it. but is it really such a bad thing? if she didn’t analyze these things, nothing would ever be fixed. she was never one to just go with the flow when she knew things needed fixing. and when it’s her that needs the fixing, it makes it that much harder. maybe someone else needs to come along and fix her. cause she honestly doesn’t know what to do with herself anymore. being wrapped in someone’s arms for a nice, long hug could possibly mend things.
...this is such SNAFU.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
i don't think you will ever fully understand how you've touched my life and made me who i am. i don't think you could ever know just how truly special you are that even on the darkest nights you are my brightest star. i don't think you will ever fully comprehend how you've made my dreams come true or how you've opened my heart to love and the wonders it can do. you've allowed me to experience something very hard to find unconditional love that exists in my body, soul, and mind. i don't think you could ever feel all the love i have to give and i'm sure you'll never realize you've been my will to live. you are an amazing person and without you i don't know where i'd be. having you in my life completes and fulfills every part of me.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
walking through the library for the first time in a while made me realize just how much i missed reading. reading books i actually wanted to read because i picked them out myself and because i actually had the time to read them. i always say i never have time to read, but now that i think about it, i probably do have the time. maybe i've become too impatient to start reading a book for leisure. because then it feels like i'm wasting my time when i should be doing something else, something more important...like homework. has this what school has done to me? because every time i'm doing something other than homework, i worry that i didn't finish everything i needed to do. if i finish early, i have to quadruple check that everything is done and i can actually do something for myself. now is there something wrong with this picture or is there something wrong with this picture? i think there's something wrong with this picture. maybe i shouldn't blame school for this though. maybe it's just me. actually, it is me. i've come to the conclusion that i worry about this kind of stuff too much. i need to chill. seriously. ha, i wasn't always this way. too much worrying, not enough spontaneity. someone save me, please.
every once in a while, we all need time out from reality to just escape into our own world. somewhere where no one can judge you, no one can criticize you, and no one can make you feel inferior. one of the places i've found that works for me is inside my own mind. when i'm by myself, i think a lot. about friends, family, school, and life in general. i think what i want and no one can tell me i'm wrong. no one can say "sorry, athena. try again." cause it's one of the few things i get to control. it's my mind. my world.
and as she sat alone on the steps of a building where no one could see her, she finally found the sense of calm she had been looking for the entire day. she recalls the night before and is disappointed in herself. she replays the lecture over and over again in her mind and can't seem to figure out how she let him down. then she decides to think of something else. she doesn't like that topic anymore. friends, she thought. thinking of friends would make her happy. and she was quite right. thinking of one friend in particular put the biggest smile on her face. she liked the feeling she got when that friend came into her mind. knowing she had a friend that could make her happy without even being there eased her worries. and then another friend came into her mind. she thought about what that friend had told her the day before..."i don't get it," her friend said. "just be yourself. why think?" she knew those words were true, but she needed to think. it was the only thing that would make her feel better at the moment. school then proceeded to drift into the picture. as always. she knew semester was approaching quickly and anxiety and that list of worries came up immediately like those annoying pop-up windows. but this time, she couldn't close those windows so easily. she had to fix this quickly and properly. she has yet to figure out how exactly she is going to manage it all. and with a birthday coming up, the last thing she really wants to worry about is grades. sixteen years old she will be. sixteen and she still doesn't know what she wants. and she doesn't mean a gift. she means she doesn't know what she wants out of life.
and this is the world she chooses to live in. a world where she has her problems and makes mistakes. a world in which she can't please everyone and expects no one to be perfect. a world that challenges her mentally to improve her grades and doesn't let her get by on the easy track. and why would she choose this world over one where she could have the perfect life? because despite all the problems she has and all the obstacles she has to overcome, she's happy. sincerely happy. she's got the love she needs and the love she wants. and she needs nothing more.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
sometimes, i feel like i take what i have for granted. personally, i know that i am grateful for all of the people who have been there for me in some way or another and for everything i am lucky enough to have, but i always wonder whether or not those people question my respect and love for them. i don’t always wear my heart on my sleeve so sometimes it may seem like i’m not thankful. and i don’t always know how to express my gratitude. it can range from a simple smile to a big hug, but whichever i give to you, i hope you know that i will always be thankful for everything anyone does to help me. no matter if it’s just picking up my pencil for me, or if it’s for staying up with me while i do my homework.
and a wise word to all those out there who love and respect someone. never be afraid to tell them how you feel about them. you never know when that person may not be there for you anymore. think about it. if your best friend moved away today, would you be satisfied with everything you’ve told them? or would you feel as if you’re holding something back that you need to tell them? otherwise they’ll never know how much they mean to you. if you lost your mom tomorrow, would you be satisfied with yourself knowing she left this world with the knowledge of all the love you had for her? and if for some reason you had to leave everyone you loved tonight, would you be happy knowing that they were grateful for you because of all of the help you gave them? or would you question day after day how someone felt about you?
in this world of ours, it is impossible to read someone else’s mind. we never know what another person is thinking unless we ask them or they tell us. so, if there’s something you need to tell someone, go ahead and tell them. no matter how awkward it may be, everyone likes knowing they are loved by someone in the world, they are respected by someone, and they are an inspiration to someone. every girl likes being told they’re beautiful, every kid likes being praised, and every parent likes to hear an ’i love you’ come from their child’s mouth. so, tell your parents you love them, let your friends know they keep you going, and never take anything for granted. hold nothing back, my friends. nothing.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
ever had one of those days that started off really lame, but then ended amazingly? yeah, yesterday was just that kinda day. after running on 7 hours of sleep for two days, i really just didn't want to be at school. all i wanted was to go home. but then there was a rally that day, so that's basically what made me go. the rally came and went, we lost the class cheer, but i was still happy afterwards. i had fun. the history test ended up being not as bad as i thought it'd be considering i studied...oh, just about nothing. english was the same old stuff. then the talent show. waaay better than i expected. it was worth the entire 8 dollars and then some. hilarious, my friends. definitely a night to remember.
life is funny sometimes :)
Friday, January 12, 2007
"today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you. by now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do. i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now. back beat the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out. i'm sure you've heard it all before, but you never really had a doubt. i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now. and all the roads we have to walk along are winding and all the lights that lead us there are blinding. there are many things that i would like to say to you. but i don't know how. because maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me. and after all you're my wonderwall..."
oh, how i love this song.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
maybe i should start my homework. maybe i should figure out what i really want for my birthday. maybe i already know the answer. maybe i should learn how to be more patient. maybe i should be more careful with my things. maybe i should just care a little more. maybe i shouldn't be so easily influenced. maybe i should try a little harder. maybe i eat too much. maybe you inspire me. maybe something's wrong with me. maybe i don't care. maybe i need you more than you think i do. maybe i take you for granted. maybe i should try doing as much for you as you do for me. maybe this is as good as it's gonna get. maybe i like it that way. maybe i should stop saying maybe...
don’t you hate it when you ask someone a specific question and all you get back is a simple maybe? i mean, maybe can go both ways if you don’t know who you’re talking to. for some people, it’s easy to distinguish whether or not their maybe is either a yes or a no. but in those circumstances that you find yourself in which involve you and someone else who is known to be indecipherable with their expressions and you need an answer right away, a maybe could essentially drive you insane, correct? i apologize to those of you out there that i have flustered because of my constant “maybe’s” and “i don’t know’s”. but i have to say that the word maybe has been an essential part of my vocabulary for as long as i can remember. without it, i would have to make decisions right away. and we all know that’s as close to impossible as we can ever get. additionally, if i didn’t have this word in my vocabulary, i’d actually have to learn how to say no to people. you ask me for a simple favor, i’ll do it for you. even if i don’t really have the time for it. i’ll squeeze it in somehow. and then all those simple favors turn into one huge mess i have to fix by fulfilling what i said i would do. in a sense, this word is like a lifesaver. but on the other hand, i beat around the bush with this word, too. hence the fact that i've made a resolution to say/do what i really want without any further hesitation. so, try asking again and maybe i’ll give you a clearer answer.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
"i hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, and each road leads you where you want to go. and if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose, i hope you choose the one that means the most to you. and if one door opens to another door closed, i hope you keep on walking 'til you find the window. if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile, but more than anything, more than anything, my wish for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to. your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. and while you're out there getting where you're getting to, i hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too. this is my wish. i hope you never look back, but you never forget all the ones who love you in the place you left. i hope you always forgive and you never regret, and you help somebody every chance you get. you find God's grace in every mistake, and always give more then you take..."
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Monday, January 01, 2007
so, about this whole wishing thing. she always make wishes on 11:11, finding dandelions to make wishes on makes her very happy, birthday candles are the perfect excuse for them, and fallen eyelashes gives her one more chance to make that wish come true. of course, not all of the wishes she's ever made came true (she never did get to meet j.k. rowling..) and she doubts many of them ever will. but no matter how far-fetched they may seem to other people, she believed at the time that they were perfectly worth wishing for. heck, she killed a whole dandelion for that wish. and she's not one to kill anything without a perfectly logical excuse. but lately, she's been wishing for the exact same thing everytime it turns 11:11, whenever she catches a fallen eyelash, and if she happens to find a dandelion in the grass. and this time, her wish is perfectly logical...
the sun had finally risen on the morning of the new year and as i wake up, i find myself in a completely different position than i had fallen asleep in. not surprising. i was still groggy from staying up so late the night before (considering it was new year's eve) and don't really feel like getting out of bed. but then, instinctively, i look over at the clock to check the time. suddenly, I'M WIDE AWAKE. and what time was it, you ask? 11:11. so, of course, i make my wish. the same wish i've been making for the past...oh, i don't even remember. but i've been making this wish for quite a while now. could this be the ultimate sign? will my wish finally come true this year? it's a definite possibility. signs like these pretty much get my hopes up. so, i'm ready for a let down if it comes. but, i mean, come on. waking up on the first day of the new year at exactly 11:11 and making a wish that i've wanted to come true for the looooongest time right when i get up? can you say perfect timing?