Thursday, May 31, 2007
dang, another whole week without blogging. i really hate it when i do that. i know it's just about impossible to have time to post every single day, but a girl can dream, right? so today was weird to say the least. i think i had a fever for a while, but then...it went away? hahha. iono. i was freezing in euro and during the movie, i fell asleep and woke up like 5 times. it was very annoying. and i had pretty bad timing the first time i woke up. i heard ryan go "woaahh!" really loud and i looked up at the screen and...well, i went go any further. (you're welcome). but seriously. i was so out of wack. did i mention how cold it was in mr. o's room? like an igloo. although...i've never been in an igloo. soo, don't take my word for it. i've been so sluggish this entire week. quite lame, if i do say so myself. but i like the fact that i've been taking naps again. they're great. they really do help. i lived off of them for a while, quite literally, as opposed to normal sleeping hours. but then i guess i kinda got back in sync with things. and whenever i wake up from my naps, my dogs face is like right there. i can feel her breathing on me before i open my eyes. haha, it's pretty funny. cause it's like she was watching me sleep. ahh, i love her. except when she jumps on my bed when i'm doing my homework and crumples my papers.
...my dad's watching a spelling bee right now on tv and this kid is being really annoying. he can't pronounce a word right so whenever he says it, the judges are like "NO! it's..." and he says it again and he's like "was that right?" and they're like "NO..." and it goes over and over and over again. man, i remember spelling bees. i pretty much owned at them. muahahaha. (although now whenever i think of spelling bees, i always think of brian regan..."K-A-T. i'm outta here!" hhahhaa. yeah.) in 4th grade i learned how to spell pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. i felt like a genius. and i still do. hahah. shutup. my 4th grade teacher was amazing. i miss him...
kay, this post went nowhere. but i have nothing to do. and this is what we get when i have nothing to do. i know, i should try something more productive. but i fail to think of anything i'd like to do at the moment. i'd take a stab at that whole world peace thing, but...i think instead i'll try ending world hunger. starting with myself. that pie is calling me.
Friday, May 25, 2007
"when you try your best, but you don't succeed. when you get what you want, but not what you need. when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. stuck in reverse. when the tears come streaming down your face. when you lose something you can't replace. when you love someone, but it goes to waste. could it be worse? lights will guide you home. and ignite your bones. and i will try to fix you. high up above or down below. when you're too in love to let it go. if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth. lights will guide you home. and ignite your bones. and i will try to fix you. tears stream down your face. when you lose something you cannot replace. tears stream down your face. and i...tears stream down on your face. i promise you i will learn from my mistakes. tears stream down your face. and i...lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. and i will try to fix you..."
i'm watching a coldplay concert right now on television. i forgot how much i liked them. and this song.
lately, i've noticed how crazy it is that things can change in such a short amount of time. honestly, i didn't think it was even worth trying. but if you never try, then you never know. and i wanted to know. i wanted to know if i could really achieve anything i put my mind to. fortunately, i can gladly say things are all working out fine. (oh, progress report. how you made my day!) the school days are winding down and it just seems like there have been so many days that i just spent doing...well, nothing. disappointing, yes. but i can't do anything about that now.
i love the feeling of being so genuinely happy that i feel like i just wanna burst. (yayy for people who have the same thoughts as me). and it's not just about grades. plus, those still aren't exactly where i want them to be. but yeah. life as a whole is pretty amazing right now. three-day weekend, anyone? yes, please.
Friday, May 18, 2007
i've decided that i suck at answering my phone. sorry, but i never hear it! it's in my room charging when i'm at home. but even when i have it on me, i always have to put it on vibrate cause i'm crazy deaf. and it makes it even harder when i've got earphones stuck in my ears with music blaring through them. i need a solution for this. (remember the 9 missed calls in a row?). seriously.
"i asked her to stay, but she wouldn't listen. she left before i had the chance to say, oh, the words that would mend the things that were broken. but now it's far too late, she's gone away. every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking, "why does this happen to me? why does every moment have to be so hard?". hard to believe that it's not over tonight. just give me one more chance to make it right. i may not make it through the night. i won't go home without you. the taste of her breath, i'll never get over. and the noises that she made kept me awake. oh, the weight of things that remain unspoken built up so much it crushed us everyday. every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking, "why does this happen to me? why does every moment have to be so hard?". hard to believe that it's not over tonight just give me one more chance to make it right. i may not make it through the night. i won't go home without you. it's not over tonight. just give me one more chance to make it right. i may not make it through the night. i won't go home without you. of all the things i felt, but never really showed. perhaps the worst is that i ever let you go. should not ever let you go, oh oh oh. it's not over tonight. just give me one more chance to make it right. i may not make it through the night. i won't go home without you..."
so, i'm sitting here in cluster and i can find absolutely nothing productive to do with my time. and you know what? i'm perfectly fine with that :) ahh, i love testing. we do absolutely nothing for hours. and then food afterwards! yaay. who wouldn't love that?!
i've pretty muched studied for math enough that i hope i can do fairly decent on this test. i just finished the math section of the star testing, so i don't really think i can handle anymore studying for math at the moment anyway. ("so i'm waiting, waiting, waiting for you to be calling, calling, calling...") i'm kinda bitter about the fact that i stink at math. i wish i was better. i was better in elementary, but....well, that's elementary. oh well. a good friend once told me that life gets harder, therefore you must try harder. and if you don't....you're pretty much screwed. haha. (sound familiar?)
oh man, 45 minutes until lunch. how oh-so far away. i love how everyone in cluster looks as if they're in their own different world. (gotta wait 'til those worlds collide. people still testing, surprisingly.) miss gray - reading. lauren and alli talking. kan wandering around. alex...sleeping? ryoo playing something on the computer. annie playing her ds. evelyn's all the way in the back, so i can't tell what she's doing. tara staring off into space? and as for me, i'm sitting here at my computer (yes, i've officially dubbed computer number one in mrs. hale's room as mine. plus, i've told her that) and i'm observing the cluster kids and listening to music (no shocker there. thank youu, jeff).
i was pretty dang bummed when my ipod ran out of batteries after the first part of testing today. when i finished, i used up the rest of the batteries and then had to sit there enduring the silence while everyone finished testing. no music. the horror! (you think i'm kidding. that's funny...) i know it sounds pretty lame, but how in the world did i do homework properly before i had an ipod? ("we're singing it...i'll tap the break and you crack the window. the smell of smoke is making my lungs explode. the 51 is backed up and too slow. let's tune out by turning on the the radio. and oh, my love, you're all i need. backed behind a frequency. they played this song an hour ago. let's tune out by turning on the radio...") how foolish of me to leave school yesterday without remembering shane had my ipod. it was tough studying math without it last night. (if i fail this math test, i blame shane.) yeah.
so basically, i'm already sick of #2 pencils, test booklets, bubbling in circles, and not having our comfy chairs in cluster anymore. sigh. i vote they let us leave the classroom once we finish our test. cause the free time is the only thing i like about testing. oh and only having two classes a day too :)
la la la...i like rambling. ("let's make a list of who we need and we'll throw it away cause we don't need anyone..." psst. you need more john mayer songs!) mmkay. i'm done. i'll leave it to the music to make these last few minutes go by faster.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
she sat at her computer late in the evening. thinking. wondering. listening to maroon 5. questioning. eating a chocolate parfait. thinking some more. life is good, she thought. it's the best it's been in a while actually. testing for the next few days would require only a limited amount of brain power and a lot of room in her stomach for food, which was perfectly fine for her. she wondered if anyone wondered the same things she did. yet that would be difficult considering her mind doesn't stay on one level for more than about 3 minutes. she questions a lot of things. but she wonders why she never asks. yeah, she's a strange case...
and at this very moment, new thoughts began to invade her mind. it's weird how when you're laughing uncontrollably and you start to get this aching pain in your side from the side-splitting laughter, you still don't want it to stop. annoyingly, the weather is being bipolar. and she's not very keen on bipolarity. cold she likes. hot she likes. but not too hot. and not freezing cold. she's indecisive. we all know that. (especially gaby). but once she makes a decision, she sticks with it. and then an hour later she wonders what would have happened if she went the other way. the cycle never ends.
yes, wondering is a fascinating thing. confusing, but fascinating. and sometimes being confused can lead you to a place you never would've gone to before. and you don't wanna go back. she thinks people should wonder more. and she wonders why the don't. people make her wonder.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
so, um, guess what i just did? ...I LISTENED TO THE ENTIRE NEW MAROON 5 CD!@#$%^&!! ahhhh, they posted their entire cd on mtv: the leak. i went insane went i found out i could listen to it a week before the actual cd came out. AND I AM THE HAPPIEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH RIGHT NOW. i honestly, truly believe no one knows how much i want this cd. it's the one thing i want more than anything right now. materialistic, i know. but...whatever! i'm allowed to be every once in a while, right? i think yes. and this is definitely the perfect time for it. tuesday is soooo far away. and i don't even know if i'll have money for it or not :(
but i'll find a way! i must.
Monday, May 14, 2007
"hungry, hungry hippos."
"...WITH YOUR PURSE?!"
"huh? what movie?"
"night at the museum."
HAHAHHA, i officially LOVE CHEM. the people more so than the class, obviously. it completely made my day. oh boy...the things we do. the stories we tell. the labs we take forever to finish. the way minh attempts to prove i'm lamer than him. the way alyssa and i team up against jameson. the way mr. jawor continuously refers to jameson as the spawn of the devil. and how it amazes me that my row never ceases to stop things from being interesting. yaay for school when it's fun!
Sunday, May 13, 2007
for sixteen years of my life, my mother has given me more than i deserve. a roof over my head, food to eat everyday, amazing advice, and most importantly an unconditional love that can never be replaced. i admit, there are times when i take these things for granted, but amazing as she is, she doesn't love me any less. she understands me like no one else. she listens when i'm not speaking and comprehends the things i leave unsaid.
sometimes, i wonder whether or not i'm being the best daughter i can be for her. it's hard to think about while knowing i'm not perfect. but she has always taught me that perfection is simply being the best i can be. and in that case, i guess i am a pretty good daughter. because she always brings out the best in me. the last thing i would ever want to do is disappoint her.
my mom has been through her share of hardships and they have all made her a stronger person. she amazes me every single day with the way she never stops giving. she cooks, cleans, shops, washes, organizes things, and so much more. she's the one i go to when i can't find something. it's like magic the way she knows where everything is. and i mean, everything. and when she doesn't know where something is, she can find it in 2 seconds. her work is never done and i have yet to see the day that she gets flustered by all of it.
in her reflection, i see all that i aspire to be. i see someone that does everything she can to make her children happy, knowingly or not. i see a mother that isn't afraid to laugh at something stupid with her kids or even laugh at her kids if they do something stupid. if you ask me the question "who is the most beautiful woman you know?" i won't give you the name of some celebrity or supermodel. my answer will simply be: my mom. she's the person that no one can compare to. and no one should even try. because, frankly, it won't get them anywhere.
if i grow up to be half the mother she is, i'll be satisfied.
i haven't made a real post in while. i find it hard to think of things to talk about lately. but just to let you know, it's no fun having a whole mess of things running around in my head, yet lacking the ability to convey them in writing. at least i have other sources i can turn to when one such means of emotional release is unreachable. but...at one o'clock in the morning those other sources aren't available so i am forced to resort back here.
this past week has been....interesting. to say the least. it was one of those up and down weeks where, in the end, everything just kinda balanced itself out. this week has really taught me that the simple things in life are what make it all worth it. cliche, i know. but true in some way or another. who knew the disappointment of an unsatisfying test grade could be dissolved through a handful of grapes being thrown into peoples' mouths? certainly not athena. but you learn something new everyday. i've learned that excessive cramming only works to a certain extent. health vocab i can cram. the entire european history politically, socially, and economically? not so much. i've also learned that sticking me in a stuffy gym for four hours with only one 10 minute break is not only considered child abuse in my mind, but is also utterly unhealthy. i went through three sticks of gum, smelled that perfumed piece of paper a million times, and hand-cramped enough times to think it was going to become paralyzed sooner or later. and to think, i'll have to go through this yet again next year. joy.
the only thing that was keeping me sane through those four hours was knowing that an hour after i got out of that building, i'd soon be able to forget about it all and chill with a bunch of amazing people. i have no worries when i'm with them. all i need is a couple of hours filled with laughter, food, and pictures, and i'm pretty much set. i find my happy place wherever they are. and i like it.
but that can only last for so long. if only life could stay the way it was in that bowling alley...
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Friday, May 04, 2007
"something has changed within me. something is not the same. i'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. too late for second-guessing. too late to go back to sleep. it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap! it's time to try defying gravity. i think i'll try defying gravity. and you can't pull me down. i'm through accepting limits cause someone says they're so. some things i cannot change, but till i try, i'll never know! too long i've been afraid of losing love i guess i've lost. well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost. i'd sooner buy defying gravity. kiss me goodbye, i'm defying gravity. and you can't pull me down. come with me. think of what we could do; together. unlimited. together we're unlimited. together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been. dreams the way we planned them. if we work in tandem, there's no fight we cannot win. just you and i defying gravity. with you and i defying gravity, they'll never bring us down! so if you care to find me, look to the western sky. as someone told me lately: 'everyone deserves the chance to fly!' and if i'm flying solo, at least i'm flying free. to those who'd ground me, take a message back from me. tell them how i am defying gravity. i'm flying high, defying gravity. and soon i'll match them in renown. and nobody in all of Oz. no wizard that there is or was is ever gonna bring me down..."
no more worries. no more stress. relax. take a breath. defy some gravity. trust me, it's worth it.