Wednesday, December 30, 2009

love story.

there once lived a girl who loved a boy...

if you think about it, that in itself is a beautiful story. loving someone is everything: it's exciting, suspenseful, heartwarming, scary, fun, thrilling. everything a good story should be. it can take you places you only dreamed of and let your imagination run wild. loving someone is enchanting.

but what if the story really did end there? there once lived a girl who loved a boy. but what if the boy didn't love her back? then it's not such a happy story after all. the happiest story begins and ends as such:

there once lived a girl who loved a boy. and the boy loved her too.

i want my happy ending.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

jump then fall.

i like the way you sound in the morning
we're on the phone and without a warning
i realize your laugh is the best sound
i have ever heard...

don't say victim.

"so what if it hurts me? so what if i break down? so what if this world throws me off the edge and my feet run out of ground?"

i am a survivor. we all are in our own different ways. we battle heartache, overcome indifference, break through stereotypes, and so much more. in the eighteen, almost nineteen years of my life, i have learned to become a fighter. i fight to stay grounded, i fight for my loved ones, i fight against labels, i fight for what i believe in, i fight for acceptance.

but you fight and you fight and you fight, and through all that struggling you can't always win. there are times when you're just so tired... and it just seems that at those moments of weakness, life throws you some cheap shots and a couple low blows. "i just can't win," you think to yourself. but then you slowly regain strength and the one thing you have to do is keep fighting.

life can get freaking hard. but you know what? i think i've done an alright job making it through this far. i must be doing something right.

Monday, December 28, 2009

way back into love.

"all i want to do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
and if i open my heart again
i guess i'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

there are moments when i don't know if it's real
or if anybody feels the way i feel
i need inspiration
not just another negotiation

all i want to do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
and if i open my heart to you
i'm hoping you'll show me what to do
and if you help me to start again
you know that i'll be there for you in the end"

happiness is...

1. cold pizza and dr. pepper at 4 in the morning.
2. sitting on the huge rocks at seal beach at 1 am and listening to water crash all around you.
3. buzzer beaters... get it, clippers! (shh, lakers are still my #1)
4. really good sneezes.
5. my new ipod touch!
6. 7 girls, 2 mics, and a karaoke room for 2 hours.
7. crawl - chris brown
8. late graduation money.
9. being on break until foreverrr.
10. the chase :)

8 a.m.

tara, kimly, and i stayed up all night last night... i saw the light come in through the windows of alex's basement, i heard her parents getting up for breakfast, i heard the heater shut off, and i basically heard the world starting up again... and we hadn't even shut down yet. it was 8 in the freaking morning.

but it's nights like these that make me understand why my best friends are my best friends. it's because no one else could possibly keep me entertained for that long. i'm pretty sure anyone else would judge what happened in that karaoke room. and most importantly i don't think anyone else loves me enough to share "the gift" and the power with me. everyone just wants it all to their greedy selves.

it is now 4PM and i have to leave again in 2 hours. perfect :)

Saturday, December 26, 2009

this time around.

"we tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." - frederick koenig

for the last two months, i have forgotten. i had been searching for happiness in something i did not have. i felt like i could not be happy without it...but oh, how wrong i was. i've finally realized that i don't need to be chasing after something that does not want to be chased. instead, i've decided to stay within the company of those that appreciate me just as much as i appreciate them.

i might be doing it again, wanting something that i don't have, thinking it might make me a little bit happier. but this time it's different. i'm not really sure how, but it just feels different. it feels... better. :)

man, happiness is liberating.

Friday, December 25, 2009


down the street either way i find something from stopping me from getting to what i want. there are stoplights everywhere telling me to stop. no, athena. you should not go this way. to the right, there are approximately ten stoplights in the way of one of my options. going that way doesn't seem like the greatest route. too many obstacles. too much frustration.

but to the left towards my other option, there is not ten. nor is there nine or eight or even seven in the way. how many stoplights are there to the left? just one. there is just one stoplight stopping me from having what i want. really it's not stopping, more like warning and letting me think about whether or not i should move forward when the light changes. but it's been in the back of my mind for the past three years. three whole freakin' years and it's finally moved to the front of my mind. but this whole time it's always just been one stoplight away. so doesn't it seem like turning left would make more sense? it's easier. less frustrating.

but then again... they say the things in life worth having don't come easy. but well, maybe i don't think it's worth it anymore.

i think i've made up my mind. when the light turns green, i'm goin' left.

in repair.

"too many shadows in my room. too many hours in this midnight. too many corners in my mind. so much to do to set my heart right. oh, it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready... oh, but if i take my heart's advice i should assume it's still unsteady. i am in repair, i am in repair...

stood on the corner for a while to wait for the wind to blow down on me hoping it takes with it my old ways and brings some brand new luck upon me. oh, it's taking so long, i could be wrong, i could be ready... oh, but if i take my heart's advice i should assume it's still unsteady. i am in repair, i am in repair...

and now i'm walking in a park, all of the birds they dance below me. maybe when things turn green again it will be good to say you know me.

oh, it's taking so long, i could be wrong, i could be ready... oh, but if i take my heart's advice i should assume it's still unready...

oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready.

i'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there.
i'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

i am so confused.
but i am so effing happy.


i'm pretty darn sure i was an elephant in a past life because we really do seem to have a lot in common. or this might just be me being freakishly obsessive and wanting to relate, but eh. what can you do? not much. speaking of which, there are two things i know elephants can't do that i can't either.

1) elephants can't jump. and neither can i. not literally of course. i can project myself into the air just fine. but i say jump meaning i can't throw myself into a situation that i know will drastically change things. i have to admit i'm not a risk taker. i like plans. i like knowing. i don't like to jump if i don't know where i'm going to land.

2) elephants never forget. and neither can i. it's a little torturous, but sometimes it's nice. i'm not saying i have the greatest memory, but what i do know is that i always remember feelings of certain times, certain places. i can forget what people say, but i can never forget how they made me feel. it's hard to forget things like happiness and sadness because they consume me so fully. and i am okay with that. what is life but a chance to feel something real?

i don't know. can i just be an elephant now...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

never enough.

there never seems to be enough of anything nowadays.

there's never enough hours in a day to do everything you want to do. there's never enough cookies in the cookie jar. never enough people to tell you it's gonna be okay, never enough energy to keep you on your feet.

but i was thinking about it and i don't think it's necessarily that there isn't enough, i'm just wanting an excess amount of a good thing. what do you do you do when you can't get enough? you live your entire life vicariously through things you could potentially never have. that's kinda depressing...

there are a list of things i could think of that i don't have enough of in my life, but i won't list them for fear of sounding pretentious. but i will say one thing:

there's never enough time to make you understand.

Monday, December 21, 2009

the one.

"i had my life all planned out. i knew what i wanted. but.. it all changes when you find the one." - mrs. o

she never wanted any kids. she didn't even think she would ever get married. when all of her friends were fawning over boys, she was off playing sports and busy coaching basketball. her life was nothing out of the ordinary and she knew where she was going. then mr. o comes along... and well, things kinda changed for her.

and now, with a husband that loves her unconditionally and five beautiful daughters that bring her so much happiness, i couldn't help but wonder what else she could possibly want out of life. i understand not everyone's life is perfect and not everyone can have everything go their way. i understand that. but to see that every little thing she needed was right under her roof was so heartwarming i think my heart could have burst with all the love floating around in that room. they deserve everything they could possibly want and to have the perfect life.

but to think, it started out with finding the one for her and now... she's got six people that will never stop loving her. i want that.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

just keep swimming.

2 more weeks... 2 more weeks until it is winter break and everyone will finally be home and within (reasonable!) driving distance. 2 weeks seems so short, but in my mess of a mind it feels like three eternities. there's suddenly so much to do, so much to study for, so much to catch up on. but then i think about and i realize:

once all the blue books are turned in, all the scantrons are filled, all textbooks are closed, and all the stress withers away, it will all be worth it. of course it's important to worry about tests every now and then, but once that's all gone, the only thing i have to worry about is making enough time to hang out with everyone who comes home for christmas. if i don't, i think i'd hate that more than failing a test.

so for now i will freak out, study like crazy, and juggle fifty million things all at once and be okay with it.

time to get stuff done, athena.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

i wish i may, i wish i might...

tonight is one of those nights. the nights where it's easier to write what you're feeling on a blog rather than write an essay due at 9 in the morning. it's a night where you just want to get away from everyone and everything and just sleep until you're even tired of sleeping. a night where you fall asleep in jeans and a tshirt, the clothes you wore to school, because you could really care less. the kind of night where you wish you could just look up at the stars and find the answer written somewhere inbetween.

tonight is the kind of night that i'd want the streetlights to be turned off, so i could actually catch a glimpse of these so-called stars...