homesick.

today...i realized i am homesick. but not the normal kind of homesick that people get when they move away (after all i am still living at home). it's the kind of homesick that you get for a place that wasn't really your home, but in a way kind of always was. it's a place where i felt safe, i felt loved, i felt confident enough to be my self, i felt happy, i felt comforted, i felt good enough, i felt welcomed, i felt... at home. but then i realize i can't call this place home anymore. it is no longer mine. it's changed. it's become something without me because i was the one who left.


i wish i could go home.

look, ma! no hands!

today was my first day of college.

everything went perfectly and everyone i met was so nice and willing to make conversation. i absolutely loved having rona in two of my classes. my polisci professor is really cool and i can already tell he is going to be my favorite. i doodled a lot cause the professors all talked about the same thing (furlough days, their syllabus, course description, etc). i walked up 5 flights of stairs to the library and realized how pathetically out of shape i am. i think i walked over the entire campus today. i walked too much today. i saw someone that looked like stefan, but then i was like wait... stefan doesn't go here athena! then athena felt a little homesick for oxford, but class was starting in 10 minutes so she let the feeling pass.

i don't think i could have had a more perfect first day of college. the only thing that would have made it better is if i hadn't forgotten my water bottle in the morning. it was hot.

walking with the breeze.

today i took a walk to the park. i stepped out the door with the intentions of taking on this walk alone. but as soon as i stepped out onto the street, i found a companion. i could talk to my companion, but my companion would not talk back. i could reach out my hand to my companion, but my companion could not hold on to it. my companion could see me, but i could not see my companion. it was as if i was walking with someone that wasn't really there... yet i didn't feel alone.

we reached the park, and as i laid down, i could feel my new found friend surrounding me, as if i were a child that needed a safety blanket. the minutes passed and i said not a word. but as soon as i got up to leave, i felt as if i had just had the best conversation i have had with anyone in a while.

then on my way home, i realized my companion was gone. as i walked, i looked around to find her in the trees, but the leaves did not stir. i looked for her in the streets, but everything stayed motionless. i suddenly felt alone.

i walked quicker towards home and about a block away, my companion came back. she stayed with me the rest of the way home and as i stepped inside, i was glad to have made a new friend. but then i realized something. this wasn't a new friend. i have had this friend all along.

"love is like the wind... you can’t see it, but you can feel it"

such sweet sorrow.

"we only part to meet again..."
they turned left onto her street and he found a place to park so that they could savor the last few moments they had together. he turned the engine off, unbuckled his seatbelt as if to stay awhile, then turned towards her. it was late and the streetlights were dim, but she looked at him and found his eyes staring straight at hers. not piercing daggers, not a judgmental glare, but rather... an understanding kind of stare. a mutual understanding. something that couldn't really be put into words.

she leaned forward and put his face in her hands. she loved how soft he felt. they put their foreheads together and she closed her eyes. if she could just stay in this moment forever... he moved his hand to touch hers, still on his cheek. "are you gonna be okay?" he asked. she nodded and bit her lip, but she couldn't hold it in any longer. the tears started pouring so he wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his shoulder. "it's okay baby, we'll figure it out." she tried to say something, but her words got caught in her throat and it was hard to speak inbetween sobs.

finally the tears stopped falling and the shortness of breath subsided. he wiped away the hair from her face and she just stared at him again. she didn't know when the next time would be that he'd be sitting in front of her, still within arms reach. "you know i love you right?" she said. he nodded, their foreheads touching once again. "i love you, too."

they reached over the compartment in the middle separating the two of them and embraced one last time. she squeezed him with the intention of never letting go, yet knowing in just a few moments she would have to. "i'm gonna miss you," he said. "i'm gonna miss you too," she whispered. they untangled their arms and found their hands holding the other's. they sat like that for a while, holding hands, just talking. telling her to be strong and to have fun. and telling him to make sure to call so she doesn't forget what his voice sounds like.

then the phone rang. that God forsaken phone. the phone rang and they both knew he needed to leave. this is it, she thought. she handed him his going-away present, gathered her things, and opened the car door. he started the engine, and just before she stepped out, she leaned in and give him one last kiss goodbye. then she walked down the street towards her house.

she stopped in the shadows just before reaching her front door. she waited until he drove by so she could have one last glance. he drove past and she watched as he moved farther and farther away, until he was gone.


she'll still be here. waiting for him to come home to her.

spudgy.

i've had days like this.

play-doh.

sitting on her bed on a hotter than hot summer day, her body couldn't take staying stationary any longer. she needed something to do with her hands, something to take her mind off of the heat-induced headache that was pulsating through her head. she panned her room from left to right and found a teal bucket she got as a gift filled with "college necessities." she picked it up and found just what she needed: play-doh.

it's funny... before she opened those tiny lids of colorful dough she didn't think she was sad about anything. but as soon as she started molding, the more she wished she could make the things in her life turn out the way she wanted them to. the more she wished she could mold her own future and fill it with guarantees. having everything stay this good forever was all she wanted... not knowing what would happen in the future worried her. but she was determined never to settle for less. she would shape her life in her own way for as long as she could, until it was in somebody else's hands. and when that time comes, she needs a plan b.



it's a shame certainty is a luxury.

paradise on call.

literally. whether it be me doing the calling or me getting the call, i always end up somewhere perfect enough to be considered a paradise. and paradise to me is being surrounded by people that make me happy unconditionally. being so consumed in laughter that i forget to breathe and when i finally take a breath i feel the best i ever have. being immersed in a deep conversation about life and the world and finding that you can escape reality if only for a while. or just being at the park feeling the breeze brush past you next to someone that enjoys nothing more than holding your hand and sharing your company.

i have been exceptionally happy these past few days. the freedom of summer never fails to thrill me. but i am 120% excited for college. although, it make take a little while to find the number for paradise over there.

a wake up story.

i woke up this morning at 8:00. i looked out the window and the world didn't look very happy. the clouds were gray and the sun wasn't out. i didn't hear any birds either. this isn't very fun weather for a special day like this, i thought to myself.

i got out of bed and washed my face to wake myself up. then i crawled back into bed to lie down for a little bit longer until everybody else woke up. then i checked my phone to see what time it was. but instead of seeing the clock, the front of my phone said "46 new text messages." i stared at it a little longer... 46 text messages? what on earth...

"well, i hope you're asleep now. i'll tell you a story that you can read in the morning." that's how it started. and it ended with, "so she said yes. because they were meant to be. and they lived happily ever after. the enddd. i love you!"

the world no longer looked unhappy. :)

i am __________.

"i have reached an age where, if someone tells me to wear socks, i don't have to." - albert einsten
and if someone tells me not to read a book, i can read it anyway. because i am athena anduiza and i am my own person.

innocence.

jackie: what's your name?
me: athena
jackie: what's your favorite ice cream?
me: haha, cookies and cream.
jackie: me too!
she then proceeds to talk about how cookies and cream is the best ice cream in the world and no one can ever beat it, not even superman. oh, and she has a huge bucket of it at home. the ones you get from ralphs for real cheap.

this is why i like little kids. they ask you your name, but then the first logical question that comes into their mind after that is what your favorite ice cream is. not "what school are you going to next year?" or "what are you planning on majoring in?" or my all time favorite "so, what are you planning to do with your life?"

the kid just wants to know the ice cream that makes me the happiest. and i appreciate that.

details in the fabric.

calm down, deep breaths
and get yourself dressed
instead of runnin around
and pullin on your threads
and breaking yourself up

if it's a broken part, replace it
if it's a broken arm, then brace it
if it's a broken heart, then face it

and hold your own, know your name
go your own way...

happy birthday, dr. seuss!

"i like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells." - dr. seuss
from an early age, you have enhanced my eagerness to learn in more ways than one. the least i could have done was to write my multi-genre paper on you, which i did. and i couldn't have picked a better person. so now i am off to watch your book-turned-movie of "horton hears a who" as a little tribute to the happiness you have never failed to bring me. thedor geisel, you are a genius!

one sunday afternoon.

in brown shorts, an old tennis t-shirt, and $5 shoes from rite aid, i sat on the grass. the weather was beautiful -- the type of weather that made you finish your homework fast when you were little so you could go outside and play all day. my mother sat in front of me , my sister on the other side of the grave to my left, and my dad standing above us all, looking down. you'd think that going to the cemetery would be a solemn occasion, but it never is.

i look around at the beautiful people sitting on the grass with me: a mother so strong and loving, a sister so intelligent and admirable, and a father so hardworking and loyal. i listen as we all talk about the future ahead, of how i'm graduating high school soon, how my sister is looking for her first designing job, and how i'm finally looking for a job of my own. the future seems so bright knowing that the people that surround me will always be there.

then i look around at everyone else coming into the cemetery. the young and the old, the sad and the happy, the wife and the husband, the son, the daughter, the niece and nephew, the best friend and the fiance; all have loved and lost. but whether they come with family and friends, or come alone, i see that almost all of them have smiles on their faces. smiles because they get to visit their loved ones once again, knowing they have not really lost them at all.

as we drive away, i pass the sight of so many more people. so many more graves with beautiful flowers strewn upon them and balloons flying high with a "happy birthday" or an "i love you" written on them. but a certain person catches my eye: it is an old man sitting comfortably in a lawn chair with an umbrella over him, talking to the grave he was sitting at. i ventured a guess at what he was talking about and thought maybe he was talking to his wife about something as simple as the on-goings of his day. or his daughter, telling her he bought a new dog and named it after her favorite teddy bear. or maybe his son and explaining how he finally finished sanding the cabinet he had been working on for so long. whatever it was, it made me wish that one day someone will love me that much to come and visit me and tell me how their day went, as if i had never left at all.

the cemetery is a beautiful place.

steve's future.

"Long Nguyen" (11:51:07 PM): alright so

"Long Nguyen" (11:51:12 PM): since i can tell the future

"Long Nguyen" (11:51:15 PM): i'll tell steve's future!

"Long Nguyen" (11:51:16 PM): okay?

xUHTHEENUH (11:51:37 PM): oh

xUHTHEENUH (11:51:38 PM): okay!

xUHTHEENUH (11:51:40 PM): tell awayy

"Long Nguyen" (11:51:43 PM): alright so

"Long Nguyen" (11:51:43 PM): in year

xUHTHEENUH (11:51:44 PM): wait!

xUHTHEENUH (11:51:45 PM): no!

"Long Nguyen" (11:51:49 PM): hush

"Long Nguyen" (11:51:50 PM): this is long past

"Long Nguyen" (11:51:53 PM): our relationship

xUHTHEENUH (11:51:57 PM): i have to get steve!!

"Long Nguyen" (11:51:57 PM): in year 2182

"Long Nguyen" (11:52:00 PM): oh

xUHTHEENUH (11:52:40 PM): k all ready

xUHTHEENUH (11:52:41 PM): go!

"Long Nguyen" (11:52:45 PM): okay

"Long Nguyen" (11:52:46 PM): in year 2182

"Long Nguyen" (11:52:49 PM): when aliens invade the earth

"Long Nguyen" (11:52:55 PM): steve is one of the last

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:01 PM): stuffed animal soldiers

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:06 PM): we call him

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:08 PM): the SAS

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:18 PM): which is also the british special air services acronym, coincidentally

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:23 PM): and, by luck of fate

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:28 PM): steve is part british and part african

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:30 PM): anyway

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:34 PM): so one day

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:37 PM): while steve was busy fighting aliens

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:44 PM): he stumbled on a branch and fell

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:54 PM): and as you know

"Long Nguyen" (11:53:59 PM): elephants can't get up if they fall

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:04 PM): so he summoned timmy and jimmy

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:08 PM): his long lost friends

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:18 PM): and they somehow got him up on his feet again

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:20 PM): but then suddenly

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:24 PM): a super alien popped out

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:34 PM): and started smacking around timmy with its tentacles

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:38 PM): and steve was like

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:40 PM): oh hell no

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:45 PM): no one smacks my fish with tentacles

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:51 PM): and he body slammed the alien

"Long Nguyen" (11:54:54 PM): but then

"Long Nguyen" (11:55:04 PM): the super alien's backup arrived

"Long Nguyen" (11:55:08 PM): and tried to capture steve

"Long Nguyen" (11:55:17 PM): but then

"Long Nguyen" (11:55:28 PM): steve took out his pie

"Long Nguyen" (11:55:30 PM): it was no normal pie.

"Long Nguyen" (11:55:36 PM): it was really a nuclear bomb, in fact

"Long Nguyen" (11:55:43 PM): and he set it off and it killed all the aliens

"Long Nguyen" (11:55:47 PM): while he hid safely behind a tree

"Long Nguyen" (11:55:58 PM): and after that he continued on his mission

"Long Nguyen" (11:56:02 PM): to be continued!

hahah, he's such a good storyteller.

gwendolyn.

i just realized my last two posts were about the ontiveros family and for both posts, i used a picture of gwen. not because she is a ridiculously adorable child (but really she is), but because over half of the pictures i have the days i spend with them are of her. just thought i should mention that....cause i noticed...yeah.

k bye.

an ontiveros-filled day.

from 11 o'clock in the morning to 10 o'clock at the night, my day consisted of nothing but spending time with one of the most amazing families i have ever met in my entire life.

i helped make tamales with the grown-ups, watched a charlie brown christmas with the girls, played "rock climbing" with gwen, got beat (twice!) by siena at chess, played tag with irene outside, fed popcorn to maligne, and just watched elia be the cutest little one-year-old cracker queen in the world.

i almost fell asleep near the end of indiana jones and the crystal skull because tara and irene were just so warm. but with siena narrating everything that happened or is about to happening, it was a little hard. there were a couple of instances where i was scared for the safety of my camera because gwen (a five year old girly-girl who loves taking pictures of herself) never stopped running around with it. but i do have to admit she actually took some really good pictures of things other than herself.

and i can't forget the caroling we did later that night with all the honored guests, the girls, and mr. o. i actually did think it was a lot of fun. i've never been caroling before and this was definitely a memorable first time.

all in all, i've gotta say this started off my winter break in the most perfect way. i can't wait for new year's eve to spend it with them all over again.

(oh, and i can't forget about masa man! props to tara and kimly for that amazing creation.)

tamales.

"but maybe it's not about flavors, maybe it's not about reason, or GPA, or College Board, or dress code, or college aps... maybe, instead, it's about hiking in the woods, about rock walls and movies under the stars, about waiting for friendships and flavors to mingle..."

Yours,
Mr. and Mrs. Ontiveros

upset.

that is what my stomach is. upset. very very upset. i don't like upset stomachs. especially when the stomach is mine. i'm trying to think of things that would make my stomach happier, but everything i'm thinking of would probably make it worse...pie, ice cream, pie, brownies, pie, cheesecake, pie, chocolate, pie... (i really want pie).

sigh. i think a warm bed and looking at the new clothes i bought today will do the trick. mmm, that sounds delightful.

tom's a biiiird.

everytime i think of thanksgiving, i think of this episode of the cosby show. so, naturally, today being thanksgiving and all, i had to watch it again to really get in the mood for thanksgiving. i can never get enough of olivia's thanksgiving song (starts at 6:00). it is the cutest, funniest, most adorable thing ever. so if you don't wanna watch the whole thing, fast forward to the 6 minute mark. it's turkey time!

giving thanks.

"Aw u personalized the txt."
"Thanks, love. You know you do the exact same for me. :)"
"You are so delightful. I hope you know that."
"Happy Thanksgiving my goddess!!"
"Hehe that was the best thing to wake up to(: We really are really good friends aren't we?"
"I love you too baby!"
this is what i am thankful for. the people who make life worth living. the little things that never deserve to go unnoticed. the love that i am constantly surrounded by. the sense of happiness that goes all the way down to the tips of my toes. the warm bed i sleep in every night. the clothes on my back. and the thought of someone being thankful for me simply because of, well, being me.

oh, and the pecan pie my grandma brought over today. this is love.